Are There Real Do's and Don'ts To Raising Children?
Absolutely. Find out more....
Becoming a parent requires no license, education, or training. There are no set standards for becoming a parent either. There are no requirements.
New parents aren’t required to understand and remember the critical stages of development, healthy vs. unhealthy relationships, budgeting, education, the diverse array of ways people best learn, psychology, genetics, stress reduction, diet, or even healthy stress management.
That is the gift and challenge of being free and independent. Most new parents wish to do their very best for their offspring. So, it is wise then, to take in interest in those non-required knowledge bases, so as to fulfill your own potential as a parent. So many of us wish we had known more. So many of us, even having done a decent job, wish we had had more information and insight, once the children are grown.
So, nothing is technically required of a new parent, yet being a parent is one of the biggest responsibilities a person can take on in life. A parent (or guardian or caretaker) is in charge of the well being, development, safety, and growth of another human being, who will one day become an independent and integrated part of our world.
A child is a gift in a parent’s life. Right? Well, only if a gift can be an enormous, decades long responsibility, and not at all something to possess.
Mini-lesson number one: People/children are not possessions, gifts, or rewards in the strictest senses of those words.
And, being a parent is a sacred role that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Every child is a unique and important arrival in this world, with the potential to help create a better world in time. Babies and children simply need good parenting (and a healthy community, education, healthcare, and environment) to get them started.
Mini-lesson number two: Yes, it is true, being a parent may gift you
with many new and important insights, growth, a feeling of blessings
related to the child, and greater levels of fulfillment and
unconditional love…BUT your child is their own person, meant to become healthfully independent of you as they grow up. If you are lucky, you will maintain a loving and healthy relationship with them all your days in life, even, or even especially when they are independent adults.
For people who become parents, the journey can be: harrowing, terrifying, exhausting, extraordinary, beautiful, fun, growth-inducing, profound, and fulfilling. Yes, it can be any and all of those…and more.
Mini-lesson number three: It is important to remember that some
parents have children with personalities who are compatible with their
own…and others don’t. A parent may have a child whose personality is so
different and opposed to their own, that their parenting has the
potential to become a heart-wrenching battlefield of misunderstandings
and tension. Through no one's fault, the ability to understand and communicate in the way your child most needs, may not be in your wheel house. You may have to stretch out of your own comfort zone to meet your child's communication needs and style of being. You may need help in doing so.
Some parents have children who are adaptable, peaceful, and
well adjusted…others don’t. Some parents have children who present many
challenges, through the fault of no one at all. And vice versa…through
no fault of their own, children find themselves in the family dynamics
they are born into, whatever they may be...complicated, painful, unhealthy or wonderful, or a mix of many things.
Even
with the most graceful, happy, and peaceful parent-child relationships,
there can still be heartbreaks, challenges, scares, and frustrations
that come with life and living in these times.
Mini-lesson number four: So many children face the stresses of overt and hidden
discrimination(s) and dangers (such as: race, gender, orientation and
identity, weight/shape/size, ability or disability, appearance,
communication abilities, mental health, religion or no religion,
class/status, immigrant, fluency; and hate and bullying). These difficult realities can contribute incredible stress to a parent’s life and
ways of parenting, just as it can cause all sorts of stress and emerging coping mechanisms within children and adolescents (and young adults). The first step is to be aware of this. The second is to educate yourself and ask for help. The third is to understand what your child needs to cope in healthy ways.
In life, our best plans are at the mercy of many things that are out of our control. So it is with parenting…
Some of us grew up, the entire time, not really sure of what healthy relationships are. As a parent, we can use that experience as a deep, loving motivation to create a new pattern of
health and fulfillment for the family we create on our own. But, it can also be a pretty messy journey...working on our own healing journey all the while trying to do our best
as parents. There is a lot to juggle, deal with, learn and know! There is no way to make it through without making mistakes. There is no perfection in this. You do justice to your child by continuing to learn, grow, and make an effort for them.
There
are many ways that parenting can be fraught with serious mistakes and
misunderstandings — some of which can be avoided. That is the purpose of this article. To give an overview and a boost up, as you learn by doing.
How to begin?
Observe yourself! Look at your own thoughts, habits, and expectation. Understand how they may be helpful, destructive or neutral for a baby, child, or adolescent. Also ask yourself what thoughts and values about parenthood you have inherited from others. Are they helpful and supportive thoughts and values? Are they based on fostering healthy, happy, developing human beings?
If you have inherited negative or overly fearful, dominating, controlling, needy, or self-focused attitudes towards children and parenthood...now is the time to look at that and throw the dead weight out of your life! It's never too late to begin.
If you have or had toxic and/or emotionally immature parents, then you most likely have to face a lot of difficult things. Yes, you may have more to overcome, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. Focus on the love, healing, and healthy future you wish to create. Start now.
It's true. All people, as they age, will begin to unconsciously emulate some of the behaviors of their parents (or other family members) without thinking. It can be distressing or embarrassing, even for those who've had happy, loving relationships with their parents.
The good news is, the more we dedicate ourselves to being conscious of our selves and our ways of parenting, the more we will be able to throw out the unhealthy patterns. The sooner we begin doing this, the better off we’ll be when we are in the middle of high stress while dealing with a demanding infant(s), toddler(s), and/or teenager(s).
There are many things I wish I had known as a parent, from the beginning. Sure, all of us have to learn the hard way for a lot of things. That’s just how life is, with so many unique individuals and situations, along with generational issues and setbacks. But, we can still start off and go forward a little more informed and more prepared!
I remember taking our daughter home from the hospital, nearly 21 years ago, bewildered that there were no instructions or requirements for how we should proceed. (This coming from a person who has always been comfortable and pretty good at caring for children, and proactive about research and learning.)
Now, with an empty nest, and as witness to many clients and friends throughout the decades, realizing their mistakes and misunderstandings about and with their children and others'…I am glad to pass along some of the most important and hard-earned realizations and wisdom that have emerged from all of that.
I do encourage you to hold these lessons close to your mind, heart, and spirit; throughout all your years of being a parent (or guardian, caretaker, teacher, coach, or counselor) to those who depend on you to be healthy, stable, helpful, ethical, kind, and strong.
Another thing to keep in mind: you will make mistakes, you will miss signs and calls for help sometimes. You will realize it in hindsight. The best you can do is to take accountability when it is possible. Learn the lessons, and keep on doing your best. Keep on learning and growing. Keep in mind that mistakes are often how we learn.
SOME BIG DON’TS OF PARENTING:
- YOU DON’T OWN YOUR CHILD(REN).
Your child doesn’t exist to fulfill your needs. They aren’t here to
make you look good, to comfort you, or to fulfill your long-lost dreams. They aren’t here as your property to exploit, use,
or depend upon. Your child(ren) aren’t here to
build up your self-esteem. Nor are they here to support you! You
have one job: raise your child(ren) in the healthiest ways that you
possibly can, within your means. Meet your own needs. Let them grow up
with self-esteem and a sense of healthy boundaries and self. Allow them to be and become who they are. Try to understand them, even if they are very different from you. Your child
depends on you to meet their needs; never
the other way around. People who think they own their children are
standing on toxic ground that can cause harmful after-effects that may
haunt the child all their life. Even if you feel that you do not do this, it is important for you to know that this does happen, and how to recognize it. This happens too often. And the scars from it are invisible to most people. Learn more: narcissistic abuse, covert narcissism, emotional incest, Emotionally Immmature Parenting, Emotionally Neglected children, and parentification of children.
- YOUR CHILD DOESN’T OWE YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS ANYTHING. This
includes unwanted hugs, kisses, performances, or smiles. Especially
when children are young, they must not be expected to perform for anyone
if they are clearly uncomfortable with it (e.g., having a child do
something on command, perhaps as entertainment or for social interest,
without regard for age appropriateness, situation, and their wants, needs, and feelings). Forcing unnatural
levels of openness or intimacy with others can be dangerous to your
child’s safety, sense of safety, and to their concept of healthy
boundaries and self. For example, if a family member or friend gives
your child a gift, depending on their age, you will want to show
gratitude and (perhaps) give thank you notes for them. Later, when they
are old enough, you can teach them how to send thank you notes (or a
modern day equivalent) — how to show gratitude — without ever feeling
obligated to engage in any inappropriate (or abusive) obligations, guilt, or intimacy. It is your job to protect your child. This
means that you may have to kindly and firmly stand up for your child’s
right to not be hugged, kissed, or made to feel somehow obligated to
“pay back” a kindness or gift.
- YOUR CHILD DOESN’T OWE YOU ANYTHING. No matter their age, this remains true. It is your job
to shelter, clothe, nurture, teach, guide, and provide for all of your
child’s needs…from age zero to 18, at least. You are responsible for your child’s
health, well-being, and needs. Period. They don’t owe you because you do
or did your job. And that goes for gratitude, respect, and kindness as
well. It is your job to model and teach your child what gratitude,
respect, kindness, patience, forgiveness, and compassion look like and
are. A child will most always err on the side of forgiveness and loyalty
to their parents, even despite abuse. Your child doesn’t owe you. You
have a job to do, and the payment you receive is in the form of love and
fulfillment for a job well done. You signed up for it. It is your
responsibility. Follow through, and don’t ever hold your child prisoner to any misplaced and unfair need you may have to be rewarded or paid for a non-paying
job. You invest in your child’s well-being. You invest in empowerment
and love for your child. But, the payback on that investment is purely
cosmic and based in love, growth, and fulfillment. The payback could be
seeing your child grow up to be a healthy, empowered, independent,
well-adjusted human being. Yet, this is not a guaranteed outcome! It isn't guaranteed, even for good parenting. The deep, sacred paybacks are non-material,
based in love and service, and don’t align with a capitalistic and status-centered social economy.
Yet, good parenting matters, and can help to make the world a better
place!
- MEETING YOUR CHILD’S BASIC NEEDS IS LITERALLY THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.
Providing food, shelter, clothes, and safety for your child are the
bare minimum. Don’t stop there. Children also need a good balance of
privacy, activity/exercise, rest, play, work, together time, alone time,
fresh air, and a healthy balanced diet. Children have emotional,
mental, physical, and spiritual needs that go well beyond the bare
minimum. Children also need to be given enough guidance, love,
acceptance, and safety to be able to navigate the rough waters of this
world. Children need to have a safe place to share their feelings and mistakes
without being judged. Children need to have parents they can talk to,
confide in, and receive healthy guidance from. They also need to be free to talk to and confide in trusted, appropriate others without parental interference or jealousy. Children need activities
and practical tools that help them to cope with emotions, stress,
conflict, impulses, and so much more. If you are financially challenged/stressed, or struggle with
mental illness, that doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to seek
assistance and do more for your child. Ask for and find help and support
when you need it. And find support and help for your child(ren). Don't give up. Keep at it.
- DON’T LET YOUR CHILD GROW UP WITHOUT LIMITS, STRUCTURE, RESPONSIBILITIES…and don’t enforce too many of these either.
Children need structure, healthy boundaries, and a sense of their own
limits. Children also benefit from having responsibilities as they grow
up. No need to go overboard, but it is essential to your child’s sense
of safety and morality to provide limits, rules, fair consequences, and a fair amount of
routine and structure for their daily lives. When children have no
consequences for breaking rules, healthy boundaries, or safe
limits — they won’t easily learn how to regulate their behaviors/feelings, or
develop a deep sense of compassion and self-esteem or compassion about right and
wrong. It is a common mistake to think that you want to be a cool
parent and allow your child to set their own limits, time, and
boundaries. Being too permissive and lax can instill confusion, lack of
motivation and organization, and a skewed or low sense of responsibility
and self-esteem. Still, every child is different. Some are naturally
more independent and organized, others are not. Another common mistake
parents make is to take the need for discipline and structure too
far…giving your child way too many limits, responsibilities, activities, and
structure in daily life. Each child is different and has different needs and ways of learning.
Yet every child needs balance. It’s important to tailor structure and limits for each child, while
also maintaining a basic fairness for everyone. Find a happy medium
(don’t go to extremes with this), and find ways to best meet your
child’s unique needs. Not sure what that happy medium is? Here is a great guide to help you.
- DON’T EVER MAKE CONSEQUENCES AND DISCIPLINING OF YOUR CHILD(ren) SCARY, CONFUSING, UNFAIR, OR HARSH. Depending on the age of your child, consequences for mistakes or wrong behavior vary greatly. (And, of course, a baby must never
be disciplined at all!) The big thing to keep in mind is that
intimidation, verbal or physical roughness (abuse), and unfair consequences are never okay
for a parent to carry out. Finding healthy ways to teach a child about
discipline, limits, and consequences is essential to growth and
learning. The most important thing to remember is that teaching and
enforcing discipline and consequences for behavior need to be
communicated in ways that are calm, patient, fair, age appropriate, and
logical. The words you say matter. Verbal abuse is just as harmful as other forms abuse. Learn more about healthy ways to teach your child lessons of safety, boundaries, and limits here. Learn about the negative effects of verbal abuse here.
- DON’T FORCE YOUR CHILD TO BE SOMEONE THEY AREN’T. If
you are more extroverted and your child(ren) are more introverted (or vice versa),
don’t force them to be like you, and don't judge or shame them for being different. Accept the differences between you and
your child. You may have different needs, strengths, weaknesses, ways of
thinking, perspective, tastes, and sense of meaning in life. That is
okay. You don’t need to have a mini-you. You need to learn about your
child’s unique needs, and meet them where they are, best you can. However, that doesn’t mean that you should sacrifice your own needs. Try to find
compromise and creative solutions to your inherent differences regarding
taste, style, needs, and approaches to life. Also, you may want to
consider using in-depth astrology, official psychological personality
tests, and/or the in-depth enneagram to understand your differences. (Please note: these are potentially helpful symbolic tools that can help make space for new insights and understanding. They are never meant to be misused as ways to pigeon hole, manipulate, and judge others.) You
will find that in seeking understanding, you can eliminate a lot of
misunderstandings and tension.
- DON’T FORGET THAT YOU ARE PART OF A COMMUNITY. Whether
you are political, social, religious or non…it doesn’t matter. You live
somewhere, and where you live, you are a part of a community. This
community is made up of people, homes, neighborhoods, nature, wildlife,
resources, and shared public places. How you treat your child(ren),
live, and behave in and around your home and neighborhood has an effect
on everyone around you. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overly
concerned about what people think of you or your kids. And it doesn’t
mean that you must follow all the superficial norms of a dysfunctional
society. What it does mean is that you are present within an ecosystem
of people, homes, and nature…and your presence, actions, habits, and absence of
actions matter. If you allow your children to disrespect your neighbor’s
property, or if you scream and yell too much — all the rage you
have pent up — in an unhealthy way…well, that affects your family,
neighbors and neighborhood. Likewise, when you choose unsafe activities,
those unsafe activities endanger your children and your community. Alternatively, if you feel all alone, please know that you aren’t. Your presence and your child’s
presence matter and have an effect within the environment. You may be
doing your best as a parent and person, and you have a positive effect
upon your community simply through your being present— whether it’s ever recognized as such or not. It’s
important to realize that we belong…simply by being. Sometimes knowing
that helps to give a person perspective and motivation to create a
better place; and to be aware of their potential impact within their communities.
- DON’T
GET YOUR KIDS HOOKED ON A DIET FILLED WITH LOTS OF HIGHLY PROCESSED
FOODS & DRINKS, REFINED SWEETENERS, DYES, CAFFEINE, AND HIGHLY REFINED FLOURS.
There are so many mental health and physical health problems and
concerns linked to a poor diet. In addition, many of these high sugar,
highly processed foods are addictive, and also contribute to health problems and sometimes persistent weight gain. One great way to move away from this is to
garden with your kids. Whether it’s container gardens, a community
garden, or a plot of land…it doesn’t matter. Just be sure to grow
vegetables and fruits that you will enjoy. Another option is to go to a
Farmer’s Market with your kids. Then, explore simple recipes that are
fast for you and easy to teach your kids. Teach your kids about all the
problems linked to unhealthy sorts of foods and drinks, so that they know the
danger. (Never shame your kids about food, though. And don’t scare or
threaten them about it.) Otherwise, without understanding, kids will
look at those products as harmless and fun, and will underestimate the
long-term problems that can arise from indulging. Starting better habits early on can help your child immensely later in life.
- DON’T STAY WITH GROUPS, COACHES, TEACHERS, DOCTORS, DENTISTS, SCHOOLS, OR CHURCH LEADERS/MEMBERS WHO DISRESPECT OR ABUSE YOU OR YOUR CHILD(REN). It can be a complicated thing...if you have heroes, sentimental memories, long-term bonds, and the like. You may have been brought up to never question authority, and to offer up blind respect (even adoration/hero worship) to those in positions of authority, traditional roles, and spots of power. Sometimes, you have a deep and trusted relationship with the group or person. Despite any deep ties, it is essential for your child’s (and your) well-being that you stand up to authority figures who disrespect or abuse you, your child, or others around you. It doesn’t matter how much respect they earned, authority they have, or time they have put in. No matter what, I guarantee that you can find a healthier, better group, person, or community. Whatever it is, it isn’t as good or as helpful as it seems, if they are harming you, your child, or other people. Even if your parents would be devastated if you left, leave. And don’t look back. Except to take legal action, if necessary.
Now
that we have looked at some of the definite pitfalls of parenting to
avoid, let’s look at some of the positive, proactive ways a parent can nurture and encourage their child(ren)...
THE DO’S OF PARENTING
- DO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF AND MEET YOUR OWN NEEDS. You
won’t be able to meet the needs of a child or multiple children for
decades if you aren’t able to meet your own needs as well. No one is
able to maintain a perfect balance all the time. Balance and health are
qualities we strive for on the daily. So, be patient and understanding
with yourself. Find ways to make life work well for you, so that you can
provide a stable and healthy life for your child(ren). This is really
something that must be applied in heavier doses during high stress
times! So, this may mean that you need to ask for help or get a support
system in place for when you are stretched thin. That support system may
change and look different at different times in your life. That’s okay.
Your child depends on you to be healthy and stable. If you feel a
little shaky in that department, you’ll need to get proactive and start
strengthening those adult-ing and self-care muscles asap.
- DO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO HANDLE EMOTIONS, HORMONES, PEER PRESSURE, AND STRESS. One
of the best gifts you can give to your child is empowerment. One great
way to be empowered is to know ahead of time, to be prepared. Practicing
deep breathing, yoga, stretching, and time for meditative walks with
your baby, from the beginning, establishes a pattern of utilizing
healthy tools for coping with difficult emotions, stress, and (future)
surges in hormones. Being prepared for emergencies can be as simple as having fire alarms, fire extinguishers, and a first aid kit. And, as your child begins to talk, you can begin to introduce feelings (without judgment), and show your child(ren) how to express their feelings constructively.
The more that you can model for your child how you handle stress in
positive ways, the better. Teaching your child about how to handle
stress when they are young, will help them to handle bigger challenges
as they grow older. And, it’s important to establish an open door for
talking about challenges and dangers your child may face at school.
Sometimes, you will need to check in on your child as well, and make sure there isn't something hidden they need to talk about. Also, talking to your child about the potential for increased stress; difficult, painful emotions, and less
rational thoughts during puberty is important, and it needs to happen
long before puberty hits. That doesn't mean they will remember what you tell them though. You may need to revisit important conversations each and every year! Some tweens and teenagers forget things easily, as they are changing and growing so much, and facing so many things at once. If you don’t know enough meditation and stress reducing techniques yourself,
start learning about it and apply it in your own life first. If you
build on lots of positive ways to deal with stress over the years, you
will find that your child will be as prepared as they can be when they
face peer pressure, the disturbing reality of emergency situations at
their school, and in life in general.
- DO ASK FOR HELP AND SUPPORT WHEN YOU NEED IT. There
is no weakness in recognizing that you may need help in your personal
life, help with your children, or help with your physical or mental
health. Don’t let pride or fear stop you from reaching out for help when
you need it, whether it be as simple as reaching out to a friend or
family member, or as formal as finding a therapist, or treatment for an
addiction. It is a strength to ask for help. It is brave to admit you
can be stronger with a little help along the way. None of us are
completely independent. A healthy human is a mix of independence and
inter-dependence with others. You and your child(ren) will be much
better off if you reach out for help and support when you really need
it. Just don’t expect a cure-all or help that is always short and
simple. Sometimes it takes time to heal, grow, recover, or find the right
medication/therapist/support group/etc. Don’t give up. Keep going. Keep
trying till you find something that works for you and your family and
situation. Same goes for dealing with mental health issues that your child experiences. Get them the help they need. Don't assume that it will clear up on its own, or that it's just a phase. Err on the side of being pro-active and preventative. And don't give up on their needs either. Ask for help in dealing with it too. Everyone needs support sometimes. Help them to learn how to live and learn well!
- DO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE. Just
like we adults find mannerisms of our parents coming out in us later in
life, so you can expect your child to absorb your actions and
mannerisms at a deep level. You want a strong, kind, healthy, patient,
compassionate, funny, well-adjusted kid? Start modeling that behavior
for them. Your actions, emotions, and body language will teach so much
more than the "perfect words" will. But wait! Please know that it isn’t realistic for you
to be a perfect person…okay? You won’t be a perfect person or parent.
That’s good. Give your child the most responsible, healthy, adult, parent
version of the real you. That’s good, and enough. There will always be something
that goes wrong. Just try your best. You are human, so strive to be a
good example of a good human and you will do fine. Hint:
even good humans have bad days/weeks, make mistakes, change, learn,
change course, and get confused. Just keep your humor and keep in mind
who you are and who you want to be, for you and your child.
- DO BE ACCEPTING OF WHO YOUR CHILD IS AND WHO YOUR CHILD SAYS THEY ARE. It
is extremely important that you respect your child’s self-proclaimed
identity (once they are old enough to express it). It’s equally
important that you accept and love who your child is, in each stage,
phase, and way of being that they go through. Your child needs your
unconditional love. Even if your child does something wrong, harmful, or
dangerous…that shouldn’t change your foundational love for them. You
may need to take actions and get help to legally and morally deal with
their actions, but nine times out of ten, it shouldn’t alter your love
for them. Likewise, a kid may go through questioning, exploring, and
many changes in regards to their sexuality, sexual attractions, identity
and orientation; and even gender identity. It is important that you show
respect, acceptance, and love for who they are, no matter what. This
also extends to showing love and acceptance for a child who doesn’t
conform to your (or society’s) preferences and likes in life. Alternatively, if your child make space for and respect their true self and purpose, rather than your
desires and preferences. If your child doesn’t care about fashion and
appearances, but you really do, so what? If your male child is feminine,
or your female child is masculine, or your child is non-binary…so what?
Love them for who they are.
Love them for the unique and courageous blessing they are in this
world — not for how they may make life more comfortable or
uncomfortable — for you (or others). And, if your child’s identity or sense of self
somehow changes over time, accept that too. Show them all the patience,
love, and acceptance they need. Be open to learning and growing too.
Give them a refuge from the stormy aspects of life out in the human
world. Let them know that there is no shame in being who they are, especially at home. If
you are concerned about your child’s safety because of their differences
or uniqueness, please reach out to support groups
and other local and regional professionals who can guide you in
supporting your child, while also helping you as you deal with your
concerns and possible anxieties.
- DO BELIEVE YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY TELL OR SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE. Whether
it’s through body language or your child verbally telling you — they
don’t like or want to be around a certain person…no matter who it is,
please believe your child. You may want to ask some questions and
investigate the situation further. That’s all well and good. But,
whatever you do, never force a child to be close to or alone with someone they don’t feel safe with.
You may think this is a no-brainer, but there are so many times when
adults will mindlessly dismiss or minimize the concerns or complaints of
their child. Sometimes the reason a parent may do this is because the
person is trusted, family, or well-known by community, family…or is a coach, or
close friend. Whomever it is, you will want to err on the side of
caution! Sometimes the reason your child is uncomfortable is because
they are: being groomed to be abused by a person; are being neglected or
abused in some way; are treated poorly by the person when you aren’t
around, or…they simply have a bad feeling about the person and don’t
feel comfortable. Whatever it is,
please don’t dismiss your child’s complaints or dislike for someone.
Children often can see through facades that we adults aren’t as keen to
see. It’s worth giving them the benefit of the doubt. With coaches, in
particular, they often can take on a parental role with children, and
they, like parents, may bring all their dysfunctions and erroneous and unconscious ideas of
"ownership" along with them, and not so much the ethics, compassion, or
humanizing qualities. It’s important to keep in mind that if your child
wants to quit a sport or some other group, they may have very good
reasons for doing so. Quitting isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes
allowing a child to quit something provides them with the pattern of
knowing that leaving something that is no longer healthy or fulfilling
is also smart and responsible. That is as important a lesson as is
persevering.
- DO ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES…ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES AND BE ACCOUNTABLE. You
don’t want to air your dirty laundry in front of your kids. You don’t
want to burden them with raw levels of your emotional needs, worries,
and/or fears. However — when you make a mistake that involves them, or
that they witness — that is an important opportunity for you to model
empathy, remorse, and genuine amends for them. Kids look up to their
parents, or they want to. These kinds of moments are never easy, but it
teaches your child that you are human, and that you recognize and are
accountable for your mistakes. So, show them what accountability looks like.
If you unintentionally mess up or hurt their feelings or embarrass
them…let them know that you made a mistake, that you are sorry, and ask
them if there is something you can do to correct the mistake or to
improve things in the future. A sincere apology and changed behavior is healing for anyone and everyone. And,
don’t just leave this for what you consider big things. Little things
matter too! Little things add up. Show your child that being considerate
is valuable and worthwhile. Only, please don’t teach your child to
apologize all the time to everyone for everything. There’s a difference
between being accountable and considerate, and being a doormat. Only
apologize when it’s really warranted. Keep your and your child’s dignity
intact.
- DO
TEACH YOUR CHILD(REN) ABOUT RESPECT…FOR THEMSELVES, THEIR
BODIES — OTHER PEOPLE’S, THEIR POSSESSIONS — OTHER PEOPLE’S, AND FOR
ANIMALS AND NATURE. To learn about respect, we must learn to
develop empathy and have compassion for self and others in the face of
harm, danger, theft, hate, jealousy, insecurity, fear, ignorance, and
cruelty. If we wish to create a healthier, happier world, we start with
these big issues on a small scale…with our children. We teach them to
respect their bodies and their right to not be touched or harmed by
others. We teach them to respect their belongings and why that is
important. We teach them to recognize that not every person is treated
fairly or has all the necessities or the help that they need. We teach them
that some disabilities are invisible. We teach them kindness and about
healthy forms of helping and service. This respect and kindness needs to
eventually extend to every person, plant, animal, and resource that
they interact with, on some level. It is a big, ongoing, essential
lesson. We don’t have to traumatize our children to teach them respect
in all of these ways. We simply take teachable moments to inform them; and then each day, we guide and instruct them about the importance of
self-love and acceptance, healthy boundaries, and respect. Your example is powerful. Be mindful of your actions. It starts
small, but those first small lessons have huge returns over time. Don’t
give up. Keep affirming and holding the intention for these important
values to grow and be claimed.
- DO FIND A BALANCE…AND ACCEPT THAT BALANCE ISN’T PERPETUAL. You
found a balance in your life. Yes, strive to keep it going! But
then…you had a lot of setbacks. You made a lot of mistakes. Unexpected
things happened. And kept happening. I can assure you, it is never too
late to start again. The balance you had isn’t ruined. It will emerge
again. There is no such thing as perpetual balance anyway. And in the
case of parents, there is no such thing as perpetual juggling. Things
will get messy and will fall out of balance. The key is to realize that
balance is something that has to be tended and maintained regularly…like
weeding gardens, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, and the other mundane tasks
of our lives. Don’t be too hard on yourself and others when things
become chaotic or feel out of control. Simply pull out your practical,
yet somewhat magical, box, bag, or shelf of tools for coping, and ease back into
balance over a reasonable amount of time. Give yourself time to process
and readjust. Forget about the desire to appear perfect, poised, or social media ready. Please. Your child(ren), and the world for that matter,
will be better off if we keep it real. That doesn’t mean you should
drop your mental filter and let all your uglies out. It just means,
don’t get sucked into artificial and deceiving appearances or concepts.
Don’t get sucked into the mythologically “perfect." We all fall out of
sync at times. We aren’t machines, and we don’t want to be machines.
Have some compassion, realism, and humor for the messy beauty that is
family life…with all its twists and turns and sometimes, chaos. It is a sacred and often messy journey, and it goes fast.
- DO FIND WAYS TO BRING JOY, HEALTH, AND EMPOWERMENT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD(REN). It’s so important to instill a wellspring of respect in your child for both creativity/intuition and critical thinking/scientific logic. Letting one dominate the other can squelch out some life-saving skills on either side. We need our intuition and creativity to navigate through life and hardships with knowing, skillful improvisation, inventiveness, intuition, and beauty. We need critical thinking and scientific reasoning to maintain a healthy relationship within our minds, communities, world, and reality in general. Teach and show your child the value of breath work, meditation, following gut feelings, art, music, gardening…and also the value of investigating, researching, measuring, questioning, and verifying facts about life, systems, and reality. Please do, instill within the pattern of your lives a desire for wonder, joy, health, and balance. Encourage your child(ren) to believe in themselves, and to be brave enough to contribute their own unique gifts into the equation of life.
*exported from my old Medium account
