First of all, I had forgotten a few things for the post on "What's Been Good?" and have added them. You will find three more documentaries listed in the "Well Worth Your Time" section, and under the "Therapeutic Creative Outlets" a program from WFMU was added, called Travel Zone. I am actually listening to that right now! By the way, WFMU is having their fundraising drive now, and normally that can be a drag on some stations. But this is not the case on Free Form radio WFMU. I put it on just to listen to the guest DJ that joins the usual one for each show. It is like a weird phenomenon for me. I have never had that happen before. I truly like listening during their fundraising!
So, as I thought to add what was missing to that post, I have already compiled some more (but different) things that I have found recently, which have been enlightening, helpful, and important. So, here are some things that are good to know, and then some...quality recommendations for your down time or whatever time it is that you set aside for exploration and learning.
THE WISDOM AND KINDNESS OF ZEN BUDDHISM TEACHINGS BY THICH NHAT HANH
The following video addresses how to handle overwhelming emotions, as the title says. What I found so wonderful is that I found this video when I really needed it, and all of his words were exactly the right words. Thich Nhat Hanh, called Thay by his students, addresses depression and losing the desire to live, and more. He talks about how we can't stay up in our mind and hearts when dealing with big emotions, because that is like staying in the top branches of a tree during a storm. He reminds us to go down to the trunk and roots to be steadied...breathing from deep in the diaphragm. As soon as I got that reminder, I was able to do that deeper, anchoring breathing for the rest of the talk, and it was so healing!
"Handling Strong Emotions" posted March 12, 2021 by Plum Village on YouTube. Plum Village is Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist community.
One more...
"Loneliness And The Illusion Of Connection" also posted March 12th, 2021 by Plum Village on YouTube. This teaching is so helpful too. It relates to technology and our lives now. Even if you only listen to the first 10 minutes, it is so good. Learn how to "make peace with your loneliness".
BEATBOXING BUDDHIST MONK
Now, let me introduce you to a quite surprising expression of meditation and chanting by a different Zen Buddhist monk. I actually can't believe I only just found him recently! His name is Yogestsu Akasaka...and he beatboxes, liveloops, remixes, and does guided meditations. It is amazing. I like it, and it looks like it is fun to do. And I can definitely meditate with this. Check it out:
"Heart Sutra Live Looping Remix" May 11, 2020, posted by Yogestsu Akasaka on YouTube.
LINDA BLACK ELK
I can't say enough good things about Linda Black Elk, who is an Indigenous Ethnobotonist and a food sovereignty advocate. She is so strong, wise, generous, and has such a big heart. She really is a hero to me. She has worked hard to get healthy care packages out to Indigenous elders through this pandemic too. This video is a treasure trove of wonderful teachings on plant medicine by Linda Black Elk.
"Linda Black Elk: Virtual Plant Walk" posted on July 23, 2020 by AICHO on Youtube. You can learn more about AICHO (American Indian Community Housing Organization) at AICHO.org.
Well, that was all really, really good to know. I hope you enjoyed it.
Until next time, take good care of you!
Chandra
(C. S. Sherin)
p.s.
The violence against Asian American and Pacific Islanders due to racist responses to the pandemic is horrible, tragic, and utterly wrong. Please speak up to condemn and stop hate. #StopAsianHate
Married…happily ever after. Best friends…forever. Family first…and forever. Community and religious belonging, passed on through generations, loyal for a lifetime and beyond.
These declarations of never-ending bonds can be inspiring and romantically appealing. Forever certainly
is an ideal and fantasy upheld for each human child growing up, in
various ways. We believe it. We seek it. It is an appealing promise.
So,
when some of the promises and vows of eternal love, friendship, or
faith end up being cut short, we may find ourselves facing a wall of
negative emotions bearing down upon us. We may feel like we're nearly drowning in thoughts
and feelings of worthlessness, failure, shame, guilt, and anger. And that inner struggle is often largely due to the unfair and unrealistic expectations that were somehow laid upon
us since we were children.
Some relationships don’t just end, they end in ways that are painful and ugly, and in ways that linger.
The
cultural myths of "forever" aside, simply having a trusted relationship
end in a difficult way that isn't easily resolved, can be quite hard to
get past. Then, add to that, a youth growing up in dysfunctional or otherwise
unhealthy homes. Well, then, unhealthy patterns were conditioned upon some of us (too many of us) before we could even speak.
That dysfunctional upbringing can lead to subconsciously-driven connections to unhealthy or unfortunate choices in friends, partners, or groups
over the years. This can simply arise because those unfortunate friend/partner/group choices are familiar, and we have been conditioned to be open to them and to put up with them.
Those of us in that kind of situation were likely groomed to accept and excuse unhealthy
behaviors as a part of an unspoken family system. It isn’t our fault, and we do need to find our way to healthier, more empowering relationships.
Division And Broken Relationships
Many
years later, even decades after a relationship ends, a lot of people
still struggle to let go and move on from old, painful memories…and
unconscious behaviors that too often sabotage our positive opportunities to choose differently in the present.
In
addition, sadly, politics, extreme religious beliefs; hate, racism (and other forms of hate) and bias-based discrimination all take a toll on relationships of all
kinds — in our country, and in our world. This is in addition to loss and
change in personal relationships that occur regularly and naturally — in a
society built on so many narcissistic-enforcing values — for success, work,
and community. Our society and the systems that we too often have to depend upon aren’t
really all that healthy or empowering.
Everything together, all the layers, can make moving forward and healing all the more difficult. But, even still, it isn’t
impossible to claim health, peace, and healthier relationships
in our lives, no matter how long it has been, or how deep the pain was.
It
seems that there are many more people experiencing loss, separation,
and painful events, due to the state of our culture and more extreme and hate-based politics, and
due to the global pandemic. This is a challenge, but it isn’t
insurmountable. We simply need to acknowledge all the factors involved
as we move forward.
A
lot of the divisions coming up in our country and world, and in our
families and friendships, are not without reason or need, by the way.
The divisions are about real, crucial, life or death (in some instances)
policies, decisions, and values. And likewise, when relationships end
in personal lives, it is often for a good reason, or for many good reasons.
Rarely does a committed partnership of any kind end for no reason at all, or for frivolous ones.
More than likely, most committed relationships, friendships, family bonds, or group affiliations end long after they should have. Painful breakups usually occur because there were elements of dysfunction, and other unhealthy dynamics present, perhaps glossed over or explained away for too long.
Most people have experienced painful break-ups in relationships
(whether to a spouse, life partner, family members, a community
organization of some kind, or close friends).
For
those of us who came from toxic, abusive, neglectful, and deeply or covertly
dysfunctional homes it is crucial to learn to recognize the
difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. For those clear on that this statement may seem strange. For someone coming out of the fog, it's a desperate need.
Unhealthy
relationships are often riddled with stress and secrets, and they perpetuate confusion by also cycling through something similar to the abuse cycle...complete with love-bombing and a making-up phase after the unhealthy/toxic/abusive behaviors.
Unhealthy relationships have a hallmark of repeated returns to lack...lack of trust, lack of peace, lack of respect, lack of mutuality, lack of honesty, lack of healthy communication; and a lack of ability to sustain needed changes.
And, unhealthy relationships often will keep sliding or sinking into: fear, anxiety, mixed messages, confusion, manipulation, one-sidedness, unhealthy competition, jealousy, and distress.
Real and lasting kinds of resolution, growth... or a real building of trust and sustained healthy communication doesn't win out.
Unhealthy relationships often demand more than is healthy for someone to give.
Unhealthy relationships will resist change and the simplest requests for accountability... unless, it (temporarily) serves to cause confusion and keep accountability at bay.
In the end unhealthy relationships will do everything to remain that way.
Sometimes addictions and enabling, or codependence of some kind are a part of unhealthy relationships.
These negative, destructive aspects in a relationship may be ongoing,
intermittent, or cyclical. Or they may only occur in certain situations or settings.
Unhealthy relationships are often: contradictory, dishonest/disguised, competitive, confusing, complicated,
secretive, and/or manipulative. Unhealthy relationships are "crazy-making."
Unhealthy relationships eventually
become unkind, unequal, unsettling, and stagnant.
Unhealthy relationships may be
deceiving, but there are always red flags that can be recognized in
hindsight.
Meanwhile, healthy relationships are quite different:
Healthy relationships are based in a fundamental honesty, kindness, compassion, peace, and mutual respect. Healthy relationships honor the best interests of all involved.
Healthy relationships are stable, have little to no destructive sorts of drama; and are centered, healthy, and generally secure.
Healthy
relationships can/will include arguments — but those arguments won’t result in feeling abused, put-down, taken advantage of, deceived, manipulated, or disrespected. Healthy
arguments aren’t crazy-making.
Healthy relationships are mutual and have
more or less of a balance of give and take. Peace and trust (emotional, mental, physical), even in tense moments, are what place healthy relationships in a special place in people's lives.
Healthy relationships understand and respect healthy boundaries, and uphold sustained healthy communication efforts.
Healthy relationships are ready and willing to learn, grow, self-correct, and be accountable for actions.
Healthy relationships prove themselves with follow-through of words into sustained actions.
Healthy relationships welcome needed change.
Healthy relationships have space for independence and team work, cooperation, and autonomy.
So, the
painful aftermath of dealing with hurtful words, actions, unresolved
misunderstandings, violations — and the unjust results that may have
occurred in the long-term from broken relationships—are often difficult
to let go of…even after countless years have passed.
When a breakup or painful event occurs, people will: take sides, say
thoughtless or mean/reactive things, and may even carry out character
assassination/active slander against others to protect themselves (and/or to hide their
own mistakes or wrong doing). Unfortunately, people with real personality problems or just even really immature people will become angry/enraged and vengeful when their bad behavior is exposed (or when they think it has been), and they will carry out slander while making themselves out to be the victim. They can be charming and convincing about it too. This tactic, often used by abusers, predators, people with certain personality disorders, and some immature people is called DARVO.
This dynamic, the deception of DARVO, is a very serious and harmful reality for people leaving abusive situations. They become villainized when they are empowering themselves to leave a bad/harmful situation.
There
are many ways that negative, harmful words and actions can become a lasting
imprint upon our memories, or even a debilitating scar.
Part of this is due to how we are wired. We
humans remember danger, pain, and unfriendly situations more than
positive ones, because it is a survival mechanism. Remembering those negative/harmful/painful events, even
more than the happy and triumphant events, ensures that we will remember
and avoid danger in the future. Or that is the intended purpose of it...to ensure our safety and survival.
However, sometimes our brains (conditioned by news outlets, media, screens, and social
media more than ever) run rampant with those negative imprints, dwelling
on them to an unhealthy degree.
At some point it becomes exhausting and upsetting that we are unable to let go and move on, even when we really want to.
It’s important to know that moving on and letting go are still possible.
At
times it may seem as though no matter what we do, the old issues still
come up and haunt us. Yet, the truth is, we can learn how to be done
with it for good! And not only that, we can take steps to make our
present and future healthier, happier, and free from so many burdens.
The good news is, we have the power to change and choose something
better for ourselves. To learn how, read on.
Self Evaluate Here are some questions to inspire ways to practice self-evaluation. Some questions may require you to sit with them for a while before answering.
Are you reflecting on the past to learn and grow and move on? Or, are you dwelling on it in an unhealthy way?
Are you overthinking things to the point of causing yourself unnecessary distress? Are you being too hard on yourself? Or too easy? Are you letting yourself off the hook for mistakes you made? Or are you letting someone else off the hook too easily?
Are you stuck in feeling sorry for yourself? Are you playing the victim?
Are you holding yourself back from moving forward in life?
Are you overly focused on others? Are you addressing what you need to do in order to respect yourself and live with a greater sense of well being?
Are you dependent on one person to fulfill all your needs?
Are you overly focused on your own feelings and needs?
Do you get absorbed into comparing yourself to others?
Do you neglect yourself? Or others?
Do you avoid addressing your daily or personal responsibilities? Why?
Do you have and respect healthy boundaries? Do the people in your life respect your needs and boundaries?
Do you have a sense of real trust, peace, and health in your current chosen relationships?
Is the relationship that is hard to let go of possibly a reflection of a deeper wound or other original relationship in your life? If yes, how can you reframe (reshape and define) the way you see it all with that insight?
It
is important to face and address any unhealthy choices you are currently making through your habits, thought patterns, and/or approach to dealing with old
memories and feelings and current relationships.
Being honest with yourself is the first step.
Dwelling
on painful events from the past can easily become an unhealthy,
destructive habit. And, dwelling on painful events from the past will, indeed, increase stress levels, and therefore, can interfere with the quality of present
relationships and opportunities.
Please note:
This is different from PTSD or mood disorders like depression, Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD), and bipolar or anxiety disorders. Dwelling on
something is a habit of thought that can create problems and affect
mood, but it isn’t a
clinical diagnosis. People with mood disorders aren’t able to simply
will themselves to change. Mood disorders and PTSD often require
therapy, medication, and other professional medical and mental health
care.
Dwelling on the past regularly, accentuating or distorting memories, and focusing on the negative will eventually erode your coping skills and self esteem. This kind of habitual, closed loop thinking can even put you in danger of becoming depressed.
It’s
important to understand, the longer you engage in negative, unhealthy
thinking habits, the more difficult it will be to change them. But, that
doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. You simply need to want to change.
You need to want to lift yourself out of the bad habits, which are
harmful and holding you back from a better life.
STEPS TO LET GO AND MOVE ON From Painful Memories And Unhealthy Habits From Past Breakups That Were Ugly
COMMIT TO CHANGE your unhealthy thought patternsand habits. Vow to yourself to make that change. Then, keep that promise to yourself. Every day, observe — when and how
you are: dwelling on something — replaying painful moments from the
past in your mind, holding on to old feelings (resentment, anger,
vengeance, fear, etc.), feeling overly sorry for yourself, or beating
yourself up. The sooner you shift and redirect yourself to more healthy,
productive self-talk and choices, the faster positive change can occur. Otherwise, it's taking up too much space in your life and energy. Replace it with new and better thoughts and thought habits, followed by new and better actions.
What story are you telling yourself
about the painful events and memories from the past? Look at it from
another perspective, and another. Consider other ways of understanding
and describing the event(s) and story. Consider more kind and empowering ways of telling the
story. Consider aspects you haven’t considered before. If you aren't sure you want to know other perspectives, what does that tell you?
Learn from the past. Think
about what you haven’t been able to move on from. How can you learn
from those experiences? Apply the lessons you learned (or are learning)
about interpersonal relationships. The ones you have trouble letting go
of certainly have a lesson for you. Apply the lessons to your life now,
so that you can move forward in a positive way. Never forget those
lessons that are gained. Let the rest go. Holding on to grudges will degrade the quality of your life. Learning the lesson ensures that you are on
the path of growth. This will improve your quality of life. If you are
having trouble figuring it out — seek out wise, trustworthy, honest
others who have experience with overcoming difficulties in life. Asking
for insight from others (who are experienced, trusted, and grounded enough to do
so) can also help you to find a new perspective on the story you’ve been
telling yourself. Or, seek out a counselor or therapist to help you to process if that is an option.
Tell good, honest stories about yourself and your life.
Tell the story with honesty, and also with compassion and kindness for
yourself. Even a little humor thrown in could help. Don’t create drama if there doesn’t need to be any. Don’t keep
people in your story who don’t deserve to be there, or who have
occupied too much of your head space, energy and time already. Let them go. AND, only tell the
story when it is necessary. Only tell the story to people who need to
hear it, or to a professional counselor. Don’t use the story as a way to
gain sympathy, leverage, or to detract from others. Don’t repeat the
story over and over to as many people who will listen. Doing so is a lot
like dwelling on the painful memories with your thoughts. It becomes
unhealthy, and will hold you back from moving on. (There are exceptions
to this though, like: sharing a story in order to educate, reach out
to, or help others. A story like that, most likely, has been
fully processed, and framed in the most accurate and insightful ways,
rather than being an unhealthy and manipulated device for unresolved
issues.)
Accept what is, as it is. Not all relationships last. Some relationships change and end despite the hopes and promise that they once held. Endings, as unwelcome as they can be, are a super natural part of life. As
is change. Change causes some of us to grow apart, going along
different paths than before, in different directions. Yet our culture
seems to have ingrained an idea that important relationships and
friendships are “forever.” And, our culture wants to make breakups a
drama, like a toxic soap opera. You don’t have to buy into that. Yes, we do
want our most beloved and joyful relationships to last forever! That
much is true. But, in reality, over time, that isn’t always the most
healthy or realistic choice. Because:
we grow apart, take different paths, or serious issues arise (or
accumulate) that we hadn’t expected. Sometimes, the most healthy,
honest, and natural thing is for a relationship to end. You aren’t weak,
a failure, or broken just because some significant relationships,
friendships, or affiliations ended. Accept that. It is difficult and
sad, but it isn’t unusual, wrong, or rare. Not at all. Don’t let others
shame you for endings in your life. You aren’t a villain simply because
you left, stood up for yourself and left; or because someone left you.
No matter how other people lash out and spin it for the gossip mills,
you know the truth of what is. Those natural, yet painful, endings don’t
have to be a point of shame. It just didn’t work out.
That’s all. It was good for a time, and then it ended. The good news
is, you get to choose who you are now, and how you define yourself. In
the face of the pain of bullying, slander, gossip, assumptions, and
betrayal — the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that it
is over, and act on the freedom you have to move on with your
life —separate from those negative and painful influences. You don’t have
to carry them with you. Accepting what is doesn’t mean carrying it all
with you. You may or may not
get justice for their unjust and harmful actions in this life. Best to
accept that and move on…so you can make the most of your life, as it is
now. You can build new relationships, ones that are better than before. A
lot of times, with acceptance, you are then able to really see things
as they are (and were) and move on. And, in moving on, you then have the
opportunity to establish a deeper, truer friendship with yourself, with
a deeper sense of inner peace.
Moving on: problem solve…look for what is good, and what you can do for yourself to create positive changewithin
your own thoughts, habits, and daily life. This is an ongoing
practice — as you create these new habits of thought, communication, and
relationship building. Look at the pain you have experienced, the
person or situation that caused the pain, and look at yourself now.
Think of what you want, and what you don’t want in your life anymore.
This is your opportunity to embrace and create positive change in your own life by choice. Look for solutions to old and recurring issues and problems. Make happy, loving, kind goals for your self that are easy or rewarding to attain each day.
Create distance between yourself and the source of the pain.
It is hard to let go and move on if you are in proximity to the person
or group that causes you unreasonable and unnecessary pain. If at all
possible, create distance between you and the situation, person(s), or
group. Unplug from sources and situations that force you to be near
someone or something that is no longer healthy for you. On social media:
unfollow, unfriend, block, or otherwise remove (in whatever way is best
for you) the influence from your life. This isn’t about the other
person, it is about what is healthy for you. You may even miss the person, wish them well, or love them (if they are an ex partner, friend, family member, or even former community). That's okay. That's normal. But, that doesn't mean that you want them in your life anymore. It is okay to have conflicting feelings. That is honest.
Letting go happens in the moment. There will be many times when letting go needs to be repeated.
If you resist that fact, you will be fighting against yourself. You
will be standing in your own way. Just as cleaning, dishes, dental hygiene and other
household and personal chores need to be done daily, so it is with some processes for
health and healing. Letting go is a practice. Accept that letting go is
an ongoing practice. Be gentle with yourself. Grant yourself the love and understanding you extend to others. And, understand that you spent a lot of time and
energy repeatedly dwelling on old painful memories and thoughts. In the
same way, you must work to replace and rebuild, first by letting go each time the old
stuff arises. You then can rebuild by replacing those habits with healthier
thoughts and habits that you choose, which can empower and bring healing to you and your life.
Old pain often arises again when we face NEW
pain, challenges, loss, or growth. Letting go is revisited just about every time
an old pain is awakened. Why? Because we are human, and this is a part
of what it means to be human at this time. It doesn’t mean there is
something wrong with you. If you have been through a lot in your
childhood and adult life, it is reasonable to expect that as you face
new pains in life, it will remind you of the past. It doesn’t mean that
you are going backwards. It’s just another level of letting go…and an
opportunity for further healing. Each letting go can be a goodbye and an affirmation of the lessons, strength, and wisdom you have gained.
Make a conscious decision to deal with the pain and difficulty you
are having with moving on. Make a conscious decision to adhere to a
healthy practice each day. Be patient and kind with yourself as you do
this. Ask for help from qualified others when you need it. Find ways to
strengthen and affirm yourself as you make healthier, more life-giving
decisions for yourself. What inspires, nourishes, excites, and
fascinates you? Spend time on those aspects of life in your daily
thoughts and habits. Reshape what you spend your time and energy on. Make different choices. No one else can do that for you.
Practice an awareness of your thoughts.
Observe and transform any negative self-talk (destructive or unhealthy
thoughts that are habitual) that you may be doing each day. Replace mean
or otherwise unhealthy, defeating, unproductive self-talk with more realistic and positive statements
that help you to move forward in the best ways possible. Instead of “I am so dumb. I am a failure. There must be something wrong with me,” replace it with any of the following: “I am lucky to have survived all of that. I am wiser. I have learned a lot. I am moving forward on a new and better path,” and “It
was time for that to end. Not everything lasts forever, and that is
okay. Change is normal. I trust, love, and believe in myself,” and “I
see how the pain I have gone through has been stressful to work
through. I have come a long way, and I can make the most of my life now.
I will be gentle and patient with myself as I heal and grow.”
Be true to yourself. Be your own best friend. Seek
to understand the past and yourself. Seek to really understand your own
needs, why you did what you did, and why you do what you do now. If you find that painful feelings come up, like shame, rage, or crippling guilt...it is probably time to reach out for help from a counselor or therapist or other professional. If you feel capable of handling what comes up for you, continue to look
for the causes of what happened and create regular therapeutic-type actions to help yourself. Look at it all with honesty, compassion and
gentleness. Refuse to betray yourself. Be true to who you are. Be yourself. Or get to know your self. Keep
learning and growing. Give yourself the benefit of your own respect,
optimism, and friendship.
Get the other person or group out of your head. Focus on your own responsibilities, needs, and work.
Focus on who you are and where you want to head in life. Focus on what
and who you are thankful for now, and each day. Focus on creating
goodness for yourself. Focus on what you need to do to make the most of
your life. Spend time with and on what truly matters.
"That’s not what is happening now."
In the practice of presence, meditation, and mindfulness, you will find
a great aid to moving on and being present. Eckhart Tolle, author of The New Earth,
in giving advice about how to recover from painful memories with
presence, said to ask yourself, “Is that what is happening now?” And,
“What is happening now?” Most likely, in your present environment, that
past event, that you have trouble letting go of, isn’t happening right
now. It is in your mind alone. The more we are present to what is
happening now, the more we open up to new energy, new thoughts, current
relationships, and new opportunities. Meditate, practice breath work,
practice being present — fully present in each “now” moment. Release
stress, worry, and unhealthy thoughts with the practice of mindfulness,
breath and presence. Allow yourself to put down burdens and worries. Allow yourself to simply be, breathe, and relax. Be present to what is happening now, in each new day. Attend to your responsibilities and joys.
Forgive yourself.
In being your own best friend, you follow through on that by practicing
forgiveness. Reach out to yourself with forgiveness and kindness. We
all make mistakes. We all have many sides to our feelings, thoughts, and
actions. We all have days, months, years when we aren’t the most evolved or wise or "best" version of ourselves. No one is perfect. In fact, we may be the "best" and worst versions of ourselves all in one day, because…well, we are human.
It is great to always aim to grow and learn, but it is most essential
to be able to love and embrace our whole self — the good, bad, and
everything in between it, today. This doesn’t mean that we have no accountability.
Nope. It just means we see and understand ourselves, and know that it
isn’t all cut and dried; black and white, good and bad, or best and worst. Growing and becoming is a lifelong process. Be
kind to yourself. Criticizing yourself for not letting go isn’t really
productive. Holding on to guilt and shame due to your own mistakes isn’t
productive either. Let go a bit. Ease up. Observe. Tap into the joy of living and breathing, seeing, feeling, smelling, etc. Look at yourself with compassion and forgiveness.
Extend new thoughts of kind joy to your own self and life. Do things
that rebuild a strong sense of love and respect for yourself and those you share life with now.
Let go of comparing yourself to others. Let
go of dwelling on people or groups who have misunderstood, misjudged,
hurt, violated, slandered, betrayed, and/or taken advantage of you.
This is closely related to the step of accepting what is, as it is.
What happened happened. It isn’t fair, good, or just. What do you have control
over? You. So, treat yourself kindly by ending the unfair comparison of
yourself to others; and ending the dwelling on what has gone wrong or
against you. Everyone experiences pain. Treat yourself as you would
treat anyone going through painful times. If you don’t know how to be
with people going through painful times, start by being a kind, loving,
open, forgiving presence. Don't make assumptions. Extend to yourself new experiences and ways of
thinking and approaching life that are healing and affirming for you.
If you don’t know where to start, go back to thinking of what things
inspire, excite, nourish, or ignite curiosity for you. Start there. Start by getting to know yourself better, if need be (doesn't matter what age you are either)!
Don’t avoid ugly and painful emotions.
Allow your emotions to arise naturally. Feelings aren’t good or bad.
They are simply natural responses. What you do with your feelings to
yourself and others is your responsibility. Feel them, name them, accept them, and then let them fade, let them go naturally.
Allow the ugly and painful emotions to surface. Go through them. It is
important to do so. Find healthy, safe ways to express, channel and
transform your more difficult emotions (journal, art, time in nature,
creative projects, helping others). Please don't dump all your ugly, painful feelings onto other people or one person. Even if your feelings want to. Likewise, if you are often needing to purge your uglies, and tend to do so with those closest to you, without consideration for their needs or feelings, that is a sign for you to reach out to a counselor/therapist instead. It isn't fair to expect those close to you to be your therapist without consent or care for their best interests. While you need to feel, acknowledge, and name your painful emotions; it is also your responsibility to express them in healthy and responsible ways. As you allow and go through your more challenging
feelings in responsible, healthy ways--they can be recycled into other feelings, thoughts, and
actions naturally. Let go of old resentments, anger, and pain. Create a
ceremony to release them, if need be or find a creative or sports type outlet to release them harmlessly. AND, avoiding, denying, and resisting
feelings will backfire big time, sooner or later. Channeling feelings into creativity, meaningful projects, or exercise are quite effective and safe ways to handle the more difficult ones.
Look at your own mistakes honestly. Don’t beat yourself up. AND, don’t let yourself off the hook without taking responsibility
for your own words, habits, and choices. It is best to do this after
you have forgiven yourself, so that you have the mental space and
perspective to really see. The point of looking at your mistakes is so
that you can make adjustments, adapt, and improve your understanding.
That understanding will inform your actions and path forward. When you
begin to understand why you made a mistake, or how you contributed to a
situation (if you did), then you can make different choices now, and in
the future. If you overlook it and don’t face it, it is highly likely
that you will keep repeating the same mistakes over and over with other
people and in other situations. This is doubly true for those of us who came from traumatic or abusive childhoods. However, for those who come from abusive pasts, it may be more difficult to see deeply enough to break that cycle. For those doing it, you are brave, you are courageous, you are a blessing on this planet.
Don’t expect (or wait) for the other person or group to do the right thing, or for them to be held responsible.
Accept that you probably won’t receive the amends/apology/justice action
you deserve from the person/situation (unless it is reasonable and
possible to take legal or other formal action). Do what you need to do
to uphold healing, respect, needed boundaries, and kindness to and for yourself. Extend to
yourself what it is that you most need, and move forward from there.
Hopefully, you know what you most need. If you don’t know, it’s time to get to
know yourself better.
Uphold healthy boundaries for yourself.
Part of trusting and being true to yourself, and improving well-being, lies in your ability to uphold healthy boundaries for yourself.
You will know they are healthy boundaries because you will feel the
most healthy, energetic, and happy when they are in place. This doesn’t mean
that you aren’t willing to be uncomfortable or challenged by important
work in relationships and community. Healthy boundaries will always
include accountability, effort, and integrity. It means that you have a reasonable balance
of giving and receiving, privacy and sharing. It means that your feelings and needs are respected and honored, just as you do for others. It means you know
when to say no, and hell no; and when to set time and space aside for yourself; or for
you and your family. It means that you can stand up for yourself, if
need be. From the lessons you have learned, how do you need to adjust
your boundaries to ensure they remain healthy? Spend more time on things
that are fun, life-giving, relaxing, soothing, helpful, and fulfilling.
Take care of your whole being and whole health. Take time for practical
and needed self-care each day.
Spend time with others who have a positive effect on your life and energy. Find
support, joy, and kindness among trusted loved ones and friends. Be
open to new friendships, relationships, and groups. In your personal and
committed relationships, don’t spend another minute on or with people
who don’t appreciate or respect you, or with people who are two-faced
with you. People who regularly manipulate, ignore healthy boundaries, and lie about you are not worth your time, no matter who they are. Choose to build relationships with family and friends who are
safe and supportive. In general, good relationships create a general feeling of safety and ease. Spend time with people who are
uplifting to you. Be the same for them. Seek to address and clear up communication issues in a timely and respectful manner. Some people aren't great at communicating, and others use poor communication as a way to cause confusion and hide issues. So, being with those who make an effort and making an effort yourself is a good practice.
It’s okay to talk about hurt and pain that happened a long time ago, at the right time and place.
Painful memories rise up from time to time. Like mentioned earlier; new
loss, pain, and growth can trigger memories of past pain. It’s okay to
talk about it! It’s actually important to process those feelings as they
emerge. How can you let go if you aren’t able to talk about and process
what happened? Yet, talking something out is different than dwelling on
it or telling a (self-serving) story about it over and over to anyone
who will listen. It’s okay to process the difficult feelings with a
trusted, honest, stable friend or family member who is agreeable to it. And, sometimes, a
therapist or counselor may be the best person to process with, when the
painful memories arise.
Deal with the anger that stays with you due to unresolved betrayal and/or injustice. Choose love anyway. Dealing with warranted/justified
anger about the person or group not coming to justice or not taking
responsibility for their wrong-doing can be a place that many of us get
stuck in the long term. It can be a sticking point. Sometimes we don’t even realize that this is the actual reason we haven’t been able to let go and move on. Not fully facing and
feeling the anger, frustration, and grief around the wrong-doings that
others got away with, can be where things go wrong. Simmering,
semi-unconscious anger and frustration are difficult emotions to deal
with and let go of. It’s frustratingly difficult to accept that they
may, will, or did get away with deceptive, harmful, and/or generally
crappy behavior, and may even enjoy successes and recognition at the same time. As hard as it is, (unless you are taking legal or other
formal action), you need to accept the fact that they are getting away
with something. Yet, also, know that they will have to live with their
choices on the deepest level. Falling into the darkness of wanting revenge, wanting them to
come to our idea of justice, is a destructive force to the mind, heart,
and body. A decision to focus on the love and appreciation for the blessings in your daily life is a good way to cleanse the heart, and ready it for forgiveness and letting go.
Forgiveness. Forgiveness
for yourself and others is necessary. Sooner or later, forgiveness is a
resolution that will free you from being stuck. Forgiveness doesn’t
dismiss others from the seriousness or repercussions of their actions.
Forgiveness allows you to let
go of stuck emotions, which frees up space that the situation or person
has taken up in your thoughts, feelings, and energy each day. That is
new space and energy for you to claim! Forgiveness is a letting go that
provides you with deeper
feelings of dignity, resolution, and peace. Forgiveness can bring
resolution to anger, guilt, shame, grief, and any other difficult
emotions that linger. Forgiveness facilitates a real ending, a real
goodbye; and a clear new, fresh beginning. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that
you forget, or that you suddenly are okay with everything. It
means that you are done, have let go, and harbor no lasting stagnant
and destructive emotions that could be unhealthy for you to maintain.
Even if something that was done in the past is unforgivable, or if
trust was permanently broken, it is still possible to find forgiveness
on some level — not for the other person on the whole, but for yourself,
and to end the connection.
Forgiveness can be a final solution that leads to healing and reunion,
OR a permanent resolution for a final goodbye and separation. Either
way, forgiveness allows you to let go, move on, and get back to really
living and enjoying life. You don’t need to see or talk to the other
person or group to forgive. It’s important to know that for some
situations forgiveness may be much like letting go — it will need to be
done over and over in different ways, at different times. Forgiveness is
sometimes, necessarily, a practice. Again, for unforgivable offenses the forgiveness is about unplugging/disconnecting from the time and energy that keeps them in your mind, life, energy. It's about a forgiveness that escorts them away into a final end that leaves them to live with the lessons they have or haven't learned. Forgiveness is a trust in your own life and path, which releases bad things that don't belong there. It isn't absolution, at all. So, consider forgiveness in a new way, for your own sake.
Why let go, move on, and change your stagnant thought habits? Letting go makes room for new relationships, joy, opportunities, and better pathways forward in life. Fixating on old thoughts and continuously being reactive to old pain is destructive to your own heart, mind, and being.
Be brave. Fear of future loss, pain, or failure may inhibit the heart and mind. Be brave anyway. It
is said that being brave means that you are afraid, and you take a
chance and move forward anyway. If you have done the work (your own work
to heal, let go, and move on in honest and kind ways), if you have
learned lessons and adjusted your approach, story, and boundaries— then
you have every reason to be brave and to allow the positively powerful
force of love (inspiration and insight) to guide you and your life, beyond the fear. No one’s
perfect, no one's without fault. You will still make mistakes and feel pain in life at times. We all
do. Be brave and try again anyway. Commit to life-long learning, growth, and really living.
Keep it real.
Consider what you need and want to do differently with current and
future commitments, friendships, relationships, or similar situations
that you have faced. Be honest with yourself. Be realistic moving
forward. You may need to be less giving in some ways, or you may need to
develop a new way forward around boundaries, and in relation to communication, fairness, and
commitments with others.
Ask for help.
If none of this helps, or even if it does, but you’re still kind of stuck after implementing all of this,
it’s probably time to seek out professional help in a real way. Please do ask for
help — find a counselor or therapist who can help you to process and
heal. Professional help can make a difference. Doing so, with the right therapist, could allow you to really move forward with your
life in healthier and happier ways (over time). Many people go to a
counselor or therapist even while they make progress on their own. For
whatever reason, if doing this on your own isn’t enough — that is okay!
There are a lot of hard things in life that require asking for help.
There is nothing wrong with seeing a professional listener, counselor or
therapist, who can give you the benefit of their expertise to guide you
on a better path forward. If, for some reason, you aren't able to see a mental health professional; consider a combination of books, articles, and support groups (online or in person).
If you are feeling suicidal or need mental health support immediately, please go to:
CrisisTextLineText HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling
Today I want to pass on some shows and other odds and ends that have been good lately. Maybe they will be just what you are looking for! I really can't recommend them enough, and only because I enjoyed them so much.
The following items listed below have helped a lot through the cold, frigid nights and weekends of winter during a global pandemic (and other mayhem):
WELL WORTH YOUR TIME
"My Octopus Teacher", a documentary on Netflix. This is a short and powerful documentary that leaves me with some important lessons to ponder and hold close. What it reveals is absolutely amazing and precious.
"Finding Your Roots", a series that airs on Tuesday nights on PBS. This series never fails to have a dynamic impact on me. I have learned so much from it, and it brings me closer to a deeper understanding of our humanity in this country.
"Surviving Death", a short series on Netflix. This documentary blends the esoteric with science, and it is so well done! It is nice to see science finally beginning to confirm and support these experiences in a bigger way. I specifically recommend episodes 1, 5, & 6, which focus on dying and coming back, and children with memories from/of reincarnation. The latter was especially interesting and meaningful for me, as I also told my family stories of my other lives at the age of three!
"Dancing With Birds", a documentary on Netflix. This documentary shows how much unimaginable intelligence and uniqueness there is in the wilds of our world. It is so important to speak up for it and to protect it. The footage floored me, and I especially loved the last two birds featured. They were absolutely jaw-dropping amazing.
"Feminists, What Were They Thinking?", a documentary on Netflix. Focusing on photographs of women of the 1970s taken by Cynthia McAdams, and with interviews 40 years later, this documentary is quite interesting and helpful in glimpsing into many aspects of the women's movement of the 70s. It is an interesting, and powerful perspective and approach to telling the stories.
"Struggle", a documentary on Netflix. The subtitle is "The Life And Lost Art Of Szukalski". I don't want to give too much away, but this documentary has some real twists and turns. It is truly unique and interesting, and even surprising. The focus is on an elderly man living in LA who turns out to be a genius sculpture of another era. He has secrets, is eccentric, and maybe, has changed since his days of grandeur in Poland. Fascinating and unusual, to say the least.
"The Midnight Gospel" is an animated short series on Netflix that is sci-fi and surreal melded with actual podcast-type worthwhile discussions. It is strange, at times disturbing, and also a bit silly, transcendent and philosophical. It is not religious.
TRIED AND TRUE
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" episodes
The Lord of The Rings Trilogy by J.R. Tolkien (extended movies and book forms)
"Adventure Time" (a sci-fi, fantasy, surreal animated series from Cartoon Network) on Hulu or DVD
Ponyo (animated movie)
Amelie (French movie)
What can I say? I will never tire of any of these. They are quality stories!
COMEDIC RELIEF
"Save Yourselves", a sci-fi comedy on Hulu. It is not a big budget show, and it didn't need to be. I still smile just thinking about it. It is the funny sci-fi movie we need just about now.
"Derry Girls", a 1990s Ireland based series on Netflix. We did have to watch this with subtitles on, due to the heavy Irish accents and lots of slang that we are not fluent in. It is a snapshot of time in a Catholic girls school and at home during trying times in Ireland in the 1990s. It is funny, for sure. But, it is also much more than that.
"MEpearlA" on Youtube. Well, my mother was an only child, so I don't have any aunts or uncles. If I had an aunt, I would want this lady to be her. She is most certainly a really clever actress with impeccable humor. But, more than that, she has opossums who are beloved animal companions and sidekicks. And, she had a squirrel named Pearl who was also her companion. But, Pearl died, and so then, transitioned into the role of "spirit offering guidance from the other side". Oh my! :) There is nothing quite so fun and inspiring as this artist and her presentations. :)
THERAPEUTIC, CREATIVE OUTLETS
Watch the "Yellow Scream" painting being painted by Kim Beom, a South Korean artist. At first this may seem strange. But listening to his (incredibly varied) screams that infuse this painting becomes mesmerizingly amazing. It definitely has a cathartic effect for the listener as well. Mr. Beom has a depth of variety to his screams and has really thought this out. This performance made a strong positive contribution to my mental health!
Drawing in the old art journal...memories, feelings...the good, bad, and ugly...it all gets transmuted into creative energy, into something else, with pens and markers. Often accompanied by music (from the last bullet in this list).
Healthy baking and cooking. Baking is especially fun, creative, exciting, and delicious. Just remember to share or give some of the sweets away, if doable--so as to spread the joy. ;) Though often, of course it is also right to ration out cookies for the week for one's self and immediate housemates only.
WFMU.org is a great online streaming radio station that is located in New Jersey. When you go to their page, go to recent archives to see the schedule of shows each week. I personally recommend: "Surface Noise" with Joe McGasko, "Wake" with Clay Pigeon, "Sophisticated Boom Boom" with Sheila B., "Fool's Paradise" with Rex, "Travel Zone" with DJ Time Traveler, and "Dance With Me, Stanley" with Stashu. Thanks goes to our soul friends in Brooklyn for tuning us in to this gem.
Last of all, I would say that our peaceful fish community aquarium has been an ongoing source of what is good, along with: dancing to good music in the living room, the sunshine (when it is out), our other animal companions (3 cats and a dog), and talks with our daughter who is at college in another city(and with other friends and family) when there's time.
My planted aquarium. The peaceful residents are kind of hiding in this pic.
Looking forward, what's good is that the weather is warming up here in the Driftless Area! I think everyone in the country has gone through so much this winter, and the punishing weather was on top of all of that. Even though the warm stint won't last, it is enough to recharge and get through to Spring. Each day is for counting blessings, and today mine is largely in joyful anticipation of time outside, each day now (as of this week), walking far and wide, with my husband and our magical dog.
My husband and our doggy, on a night of dancing with fun freaky lights going. Photo by me (C.S. Sherin, 2021).
Am hoping that this list gives you some new fun/quality time options. And, I hope you are finding some moments each day to feed your soul, and to soothe and recharge your heart, body, and brain.
