26 January 2021; updated Nov 2023
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| Chandra in a sunny window, looking out pensively |
And What To Do About Them
If denied, they become like exiled mice who once run amok...they
burrow back in, with greater force, in greater numbers,
hidden in places of the psyche and body, indefinitely. They may
show up as phantom pains and aches, but
only when they are felt and named can they be...released and resolved.
Even if it takes 50 years, or more.
If certain feelings get stuffed away with no room made for them, it is likely
that they will be squeezed out, sideways
in unintended words or actions
that may inflict lasting harm…a lot of times, sadly, upon those both
undeserving and most loved.
Feelings are like creating, like art...they are so often a surprise,
an experience that arises from nothing and flows through us without effort,
part of human experience…natural as breathing.
Feelings are. All the feelings are...natural, honest responses
to whatever we are experiencing.
Sometimes they seem ugly and wrong...
sometimes they are--when they are misplaced, unhealthy,
harmful, reactive...and maybe the result of
addiction, abuse, or too much stress; fear, hatred...or pain.
Some feelings may be unwelcome, unwarranted, out of place,
and inappropriate. Some are
too harsh and exaggerated...for some people's taste...
but truth is, they are what they are…
unless
they are faked, held onto, or used to manipulate...
otherwise, they are what they are
and everyone has all of them
no matter how repressed, bypassed, or denied they may be.
Sometimes, the full gamut of emotions
hasn't been felt or experienced, but the potential
remains the same within each of us.
We don't really want
to feel hatred or fury
but sometimes
they are sane, healthy emotional responses
to atrocities.
Using big words and intellectualizing feelings
doesn't make us immune to them, and
doesn't make us superior to emotions or emotional people.
But, remember,
emotions are not actions,
they are feelings only.
What is important, essential, absolutely necessary is
to accept our feelings as they come...
though some, we would rather stifle, deny, and overlook...
and some are so strong or complex that we
are overwhelmed...and it may be
that we will process
those particular feelings for our entire lives, in some way or another...
it is better (for all) that we each see, feel and recognize
our own feelings, in real time...especially
the difficult ones
no matter how clumsy, ugly, small, confused, or tentative
we think ourselves to be in doing so.
No matter how much
we wish to squirm out and away from the difficult, not-pretty feelings...
it is best to see, face, feel, and acknowledge them...
especially ones that arise from a remote and isolating pain
like loneliness, despair, inadequacy, or shame...
Feelings, ultimately, are meant to be felt and then fade…let go of, in the moment...
like rolling breaths...recycled, again and again, into other energy and actions
in each moment.
If we cannot
let a feeling go
it becomes something else…
a thing, a force that we
consciously or unconsciously
choose
to feed and hold onto…
Those old clung-to feelings become like the undead, who need
to feed on us and others,
eventually hardening and desensitizing the heart,
yet those zombie-like old clung-to feelings
are strangely treated like a beloved teddy bear
by the one clinging to it...
and it will surely cause eventual harm,
dysfunction and heartache...both subtle and obvious.
If it is hard...to let go...of a certain feeling
it may require really listening to
and responding to the feeling, where it is in the body, and what
it stems from...followed by actions
that truly acknowledge and allow release...and healing---a real healing shift
to take place.
It may happen gently, and all at once, or
it make take many cycles and years to get through it...
or, if a certain feeling is hard to let go of
it may mean that the one feeling is dominating, as a defense to hide a deeper feeling, something
repressed...that was or is
even less acceptable to us or to those who influence or influenced us....
like...feeling superior masks a feeling of low self esteem...
being overly competitive with friends or loved ones masks a feeling of worthlessness or rejection...
unwarranted hatred of someone masks feelings of self-hatred or a deeper fear...
or, the feeling that never quite leaves may be
grief
grief that comes and goes naturally...well, that is different...because it is natural, unless
someone chooses to cling to grief,
then, it too, can become
an unhealthy version of a natural experience.
Grief can stay with us for a lifetime, but it isn't to be clung to...
it is like the waves of the ocean, and over time much less frequent or consistent...
and it is always intermingled, eventually, with all the feelings
and daily life...
Feelings, all the feelings...feel them, name them, get through them, and let them go...
Let that feeling go, once you've gone through it.
With your breath, actions, and acceptance...
Let it be natural.
Let it be
like a passing moment.
No bird ever soars by holding on.
Remember, warranted, needed, healthy fear
seeks to keep us alive, by generating enough kinetic energy to fuel
needed awareness and responses, to real danger and emergencies: like running, rescuing,
putting out fires, fighting for our lives, asking for help, and avoiding danger.
But best we don’t hold onto it, once the need for fear is no longer immediate.
And best we listen to it and respond, allowing the natural flow, into needed actions,
and then shifting, natural as breath, into ever changing and new
feelings and experiences. It is like stretching tight muscles...we use our breath to lean into
the pain and tension of it. The breath
helps the muscles to stretch, relax and release...
And remember, warranted, needed, healthy anger
seeks to alert us to the fact that our healthfully laid boundaries are being violated,
disrespected, or,
that someone is being harmed, or that we need to say no, because we are allowing ourselves
to be taken advantage of, or we are giving too much.
Warranted anger alerts us to the fact that the other person
cannot be trusted, and shouldn’t be at this time.
Warranted, justified anger serves a purpose…we feel, listen to, name, accept, and understand it.
We respond appropriately, and then, move on.
Anger can give us new energy to act, to respond, to create
positive change, movements for the good, and new creations.
Anger doesn’t mean ugly...though it could be.
And ugly doesn't always mean that it is without value or bad.
Warranted anger often means something productive needs to happen, adjustments need
to be made. That elephant needs to be moved from its stance upon our toes...
Deep breathing helps. Yet, with fiery emotions...
action, activity, and creativity are needed as much...sometimes more.
In anger I have created some of my most beautiful art. Yes! Channeling emotions with creativity can be
surprising, refreshing, renewing. It can lead to great things!
handled with presence, creativity and consciousness...
This isn't the anger that lashes out
simply to hurt or dominate...and this isn't the anger that was
once needed, but is now a worn-out habit from childhood...
this isn't lit rage that destroys all in its path like a hurricane or wildfire...
those kinds of actions and reactions
to overwhelming feelings;
those kind of actions and reactions
caused by hanging on to old emotions...can corrupt, and leads to
cruelty, and needless posturing
that robs relationships of so much...
it can also lead to an addiction to the rush of adrenaline and illusion of control, and to
a weariness,
a degradation of trust and loss in relationships...
It is so important to let go....of old emotions.
It is so important to let emotions shift and flow naturally...and to listen to them...
It is so important to try on new feelings...and make space for them...
As emotions flow through and out of us, channeling difficult ones into actions and words
that do the least harm is, of course, most preferable. It may take practice.
It may take a lifetime of practice. That is why this all
needs to be taught from the start of our lives...
The biggest lesson to learn and understand is that
before we respond or act on big emotions...practicing
restraint, coping skills, and forethought
are often the greatest display of
wisdom, inner strength, and true power...
It is a choice we make sometime in life, but it needs to be taught
so much younger...
to be responsible, to take responsibility to transform our own difficult emotions into
something constructive, helpful, creative, or healing...
or at least something that brings healthy release and greater health and balance
rather than creating more, and unnecessary suffering.
Sometimes we need help in order to do this, and to learn to do this.
Sometimes our feelings need to be heard and respected by others.
Sometimes our feelings are inappropriately shared through
irresponsible words and actions, and cannot and shouldn't be respected by others.
Sometimes our feelings are right in demanding
accountability, forgiveness, and reparations
from and/or for ourselves...and others...
Sometimes our feelings become a trap, a rut, a bad habit.
Sometimes we can choose how to feel! And
sometimes we need to ask for help to deal with all the feelings...
So, then, sometimes we do need help and guidance with it all...
...as the voice shakes and trembles, as we fight to freely express what it is... we are feeling...
Difficult and layered feelings can be so hard, elusive, uncomfortable...
and really dealing with them can eventually lead to more
freedom, peace, and even deeper joy...
We have to be willing to be uncomfortable...in order to process and move into
healthier territories
of self, relationship, and communities. Sometimes, the bigger goal, a mindful goal
of being willing to be uncomfortable for collective growth and healing
is all that keeps us from drowning in all of it.
And sometimes, the love of only one person, animal, plant, or place is what
gives us the strength to get through it. Sometimes it is
touch and go darkness, that isn't at all due to mismanaging emotions...
but due to chemical imbalances, mental health crises, disasters, and the darkness around us.
Rage and terribly sad can be the hardest to feel, see, and go through.
Especially justified rage and grief that comes from experiencing
abuse, cruelty, discrimination, injustice, violence.
When we are going through those feelings, we need
such a strong, tender, safe, accountable, healthy space...and
persevering relationships that help us get through, all of it.
Resentment, jealous insecurity, and many other challenging emotional states
can be brought about by many dynamics…and can range from
justified to incredibly unjustified;
from mature, warranted depth
to immature, unwarranted shallows...
But
those are judgements of what is.
Judgments definitely have their place
in analysis, laws, policies, healthy boundaries,
and learning. Yet,
the feelings
are
what they are.
Some are immature--well beyond age.
So, at times, we must decide to distance from those who refuse
to take responsibility for their unhealthy or mismanaged, feeling-fueled, thoughtless actions
that cause or caused harm, or words and actions that
presume, devalue, deceive, manipulate, bully, and take for granted...
Some norms are unhealthy and do make some natural, well channeled feelings
unacceptable to feel or express, except when channeled into
energy that bypasses perceived weaknesses…
perhaps through humor, sarcasm, or cynicism...
poor substitutes for healthy outlets won't do enough.
There are too many spaces, in this world of humans,
that prefer a mask or facade to truth, feelings, and accountability...
Feelings range the gamut and can be easy to handle, feel, name and let go of
unless
we have been in places, in circles, where we were made to feel...over and over and over
that certain feelings
are wrong, bad or that there is no room for our feelings,
that feelings are inferior or too big, or too much trouble…
there are so many ways
that our culture, our families of origin, our caregivers, and places of belonging
may have
manipulated, exploited, fed on, and exiled feelings, all the while neglecting
to teach
healthy processes and coping skills for them.
Some of us grew up being told
without words
that there will be no support for our feelings
that it isn't safe to feel, or that some feelings are forbidden. This is like
telling someone
that peeing is forbidden.
The pee is going to come out, sooner or later. Seen or unseen.
And so the grown person has been taught to gloss over everything with a brush of
insincere, unprocessed responses... so much, too much
positivity (and a lack of emotional inner work... responsible emotional processing)...
so much gloss over everything that the positive becomes toxic and untrustworthy.
Those of us who were forced to fall asleep to our honest feelings...so many feelings
buried, still alive, difficult emotions
that would cause so much fear, shame and guilt to rise up....if we become brave enough
to start doing the work...
Feelings are automatic, natural sensations in response to experiences and situations.
Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are.
It is what we do with all of our feelings that determines
our character, who we are, and how we build, heal, claim health, and deconstruct...
Some are called "mentally ill"
because of PTSD, depression, and anxiety
but then, the truth is, and
the therapist assures us that... our panic is a healthy response to what has happened,
that our depression and anxiety are the result of unhealthy systems that we are forced to
participate in...and also such unhealthy
experiences
that we were unable to escape.
Some of us received love when we expressed pleasant emotions and then likewise, love was
withheld, if
we expressed anger, pain, desire, or other “ugly” or inconvenient feelings...
Some natural feelings that should have been easy, became confusing, difficult, and forbidden.
There were so many unnamed snares to navigate, without guidance, that snagged
our automatic, natural emotions like a kid
running and tripping into barbed wire and then an electric fence...
all the while our brains, hearts, boundaries...weren’t fully developed.
Recreational drugs,
pharmaceuticals (with outrageous side effects),
and too much alcohol often step in, for so many
to alleviate, mitigate, numb, self-medicate and mask
the difficult feelings...or to exile them...
(remember the exiled mice, from the beginning, and how that goes...)
Anxiety and depression are produced
by a severely dysfunctional culture that has developed and upheld corrupt systems
that discriminate, oppress, deny, suppress, and silence...
while also denying easy access to
healthy development, comprehension, and foundational coping skills.
Damaging levels of stress arise from living in a society
that denies and forbids, restricts
appropriately channeled feelings
in public and community settings, while also setting up
media forces that feed on stagnant feelings, thoughts
and regurgitated talking points of propaganda...upheld
and repeated, held on to, relentlessly...day after day, year after year...
Yep, we have a right to our feelings. Just as it is a basic right
to go to the bathroom in a healthy, safe, sanitary way.
We don’t have a right
to piss on others, or to take out our pissed-off, mismanaged, unhealthy, abusive, harmful state
of blazing, blind emotions on others.
Dealing with others who are doing so...can be so emotionally challenging to handle.
We have a right to our feelings, and there is only one over-arching golden rule to live by:
While feelings are neither good or bad…when each of us is old enough
to understand and respond, each of us is 100% responsible for our own feelings.
Each of us is responsible for how we handle, and what we do or don't do with our feelings...
to self and to others.
The golden rule for feelings has many parts, yet it is all one understanding and code:
We honor our feelings and take responsibility for them,
and put in great effort into the practice of awareness
so that
our actions become healthier, honest, life-giving outlets for our flow of emotions,
maybe so well that the flow even helps others...as we find good and better ways
to express and channel our feelings with compassion, insight, creativity, patience, kindness, and acceptance.
We let the feelings flow,
normal as a stream, but...a filtered stream, one that naturally filters out
the pollution, the potential toxicity, so that
it won't harm self or others.
Sometimes we are blind to our own pollution, so
we then seek to invite kind, honest, healthy, and trusted others
to give us feedback that grants us vision
for our personal blind spots.
And so, the stream flows on and on...open to inspiration and change...
All of this is important and good, but this doesn't mean that
we will never hurt anyone's feelings.
We surely will.
And even after reaching a level of expertise
with our feelings and what we do with them
we will still unintentionally or unavoidably hurt other people's feelings.
Sometimes the hurt feelings are
unavoidable for so many reasons...
Even when we think we are being our "best self" living our "best life"...
(whatever that is, I would rather be my true self and live a life true to
me and what is sacred to me...)
Even if
we are fully conscious and adept at dealing with what is difficult...
sometimes there are no good ways to avoid hurting someone, simply none.
Sometimes doing what is right means
that feelings will be hurt.
And sometimes, hurt feelings occur non-linearly, unrelated to a present moment in time.
We experience our own feelings,
through our own experiences, conditioning,
unconscious beliefs and biases, indoctrination,
needs, focus, goals, mentality and thought patterns,
levels of compassion, critical thinking (or not), and, perhaps
through multiple lenses of perception.
So,
we aren’t and can't be responsible
for other people’s feelings and what they do with them.
Yet, at the same time,
we are responsible
for our own words and actions.
It becomes a natural flow, (and a great service to others) then,
in achieving an honest, healthy state of self-expression and acceptance of feelings...
It's a state of awareness...
A state of awareness, calmly observing life from a quiet somewhat detached
perspective within, when the mind is in the present moment, not chattering...
This state of awareness is able to calmly
acknowledge and honor the feelings of others and self, without ever being
hooked, ruled or manipulated by them...
It promotes healthy self-expression...
it's able to name what is hidden, and make space for
the movement and natural function of feelings,
which also includes pathways to more pleasant ones, such as
humor, insight, joy, bliss, wonder, growth, constructive action, and peace and/or relief...yet, it also
accepts all of them (no unhealthy attachment, no unhealthy detachment)...
Yes, all the feelings...they are felt, fade, and we let go of them naturally...and we move on…
all the wiser.
Healthier, more realistic habits with emotions, all of them, becomes
rich and mature as
a lavish, bright, thriving garden of flowers...laden with bees, birds, and flowing waters...
Fostered well,
the deeper, truer states of feeling and being become
like ever-blooming perennials...
near to constant, on a lower frequency in the heart:
love, gratitude, joy, peace, wonder,
tender compassion that springs into action...or is present in timeless stillness...
honest irritation or appropriate anger, fear
expressed in the moment, healthfully..
humor and other skills used to enlighten and lighten...
all of them, unencumbered
by expectations or unhealthy trenches...
they are a properly channeled force resulting in
actions for good...and a deeper state of mind
that always finds its way
to the things that last...
restoration, reunion, beauty, kindness, joy, peace,
transformation and bliss.
by
C.S. Sherin, copyright 2021.
If you are in a state of depression, despair, loneliness or feel suicidal, please reach out for help now. Please go to:
- CrisisTextLine Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling
- The Trevor Project Text START to 678-678, LGBTQIA+ youth crisis support
- Mental Health America Crisis Response Resource Page
For more resources, go to the CrisisTextLine Resource page.
