A Room With A View (Of Vines) & Gardening Is Made Of Both Work And Dreams

 C.S. Sherin
11 June 2021

You know, it's really been hot out these days. I think we are on our 9th day of high heat and humidity today, with the hope that today or tomorrow afternoon will at least remove the high humidity, as forecasted. That's definitely not what I like about summer. But, the silver lining has been that everything is green again, including the vines on the window where I write...

And, the humidity keeps me from being so restless as I get in the summer...restless to be outside as much as possible. With the heat as it has been, I have found that getting up in the wee hours to walk in the cooler air and hear the birds is such a joy. As is a stroll at night when the sunlight is gone. 

The other night, though, our night stroll was still a bit limited by the humidity. What it felt like was this: being in an old stuffy attic where the air isn't circulating, and the heat hangs upon a person like a weight. We tried to ignore it and got a short walk in anyway. 

So, the picture of where I write, where I am writing at this very minute, is a dream image to me. I love it! I can imagine showing this to the little girl in me, saying: "See, this is where you will write someday. And you will write things there that truly give you joy and energy!" Well, I can tell you, that little girl is happy to hear it. That little girl appreciates the hope, and the promise of a window nook to wake up and dream on. 

What going through the pandemic and winter and short spring have done for me, is to hasten me towards activities that are at the core of me...at this time. One of those things is the daily dedication, hopes, dreams, and work of growing a garden. Again, with this comes the reality of oppressive levels of humidity and heat that require a gardener to double their efforts.

This isn't a big deal to anyone else, perhaps. But, for me, it is. I haven't made the effort to really garden since we moved to our current home nearly eight years ago. So, this is a breakthrough. 

I planted: Roma tomatoes, kale (I would have preferred spinach, but couldn't find any), broccoli, strawberries, cilantro, basil, Greek oregano, calendula, lavender, cucumbers, lemon balm, catnip, ginger, spearmint, chamomile, geranium (an annual I've grown before), ashwaghanda (not a perennial), millet (also not a perennial), potatoes in a container, watermelon, and spaghetti squash. I already have chives, thyme, tarragon, mint, and very young rhubarb and blackberries. 

It's been going great, but the heat is hard to beat. And, sadly, a baby squirrel has repeatedly gone into the garden bed to take out their frustrations about human beings, it seems. The squirrel didn't eat anything, simply tore the strawberry plants to shreds, till there is nothing but the roots left. And the same with a poor kale plant minding its business, and they killed the chamomile too, though it was struggling to begin with.

So, I got a small fence, and am looking for some netting. The strawberry plants were a gift, and I couldn't have been more upset about it last night. But, I know that (organic) gardeners and farmers go through many trials in order to enjoy harvests. Squirrels will be squirrels. I have to work around them, that's all. We still have plenty of kale, and, against the odds, I found organic strawberry plants at a local hardware store that were in desperate need of a home. So, I'll try again. 

Every night, during this heat, I water the plants. For the watermelon and spaghetti squash I carry a big watering pot to the back yard. I stood in the dark last night, watering them, envisioning their juicy fruition someday, even though right now they are so young and small. It is a fitting task for an empty-nester, I suppose. But, more than that, being a romantic, I found that simple act of nurturing the plants that may feed us, if they survive, to be such a profound and beautiful one. 

It is a great risk to grow things. There are so many challenges that may come. But, the dreaming, and the act of stewardship together are a neat marriage of heart and mind, logic and creativity. It's a worthwhile risk, and one often born of necessity. In uncertain times, the more we can grow (organic) food in our open spaces, the better. 

When I water the garden at night, in these early days of summer, I am mindful of climate change and the environmental crises we face, and I am mindful of the severe drought in northern California right now... And, I am mindful that we are at near drought conditions here, where I am as well.

I would love to encourage you to find ways to connect to nature, and to take actions that can make a difference at this time--for your heart, mind, spirit, and for people, animals, insects, water, air, soil, and all. One small thing that can be done for pollinators and other wildlife is to provide fresh daily water for them to drink and bathe in. 

In addition to the bird bath, I have a shallow dish with rocks in it for insect pollinators. They depend on this source for water heavily. Each night, when I go to refill it during this heat there is an insect waiting to get water from it. It is a small gesture of help and care for our fellow Earth family. We all depend upon one another. Thich Nhat Hanh calls it "inter-being."

 

And, if you are able to plant things, consider planting in ways that support not only yourself, but also pollinators. Plants, shrubs, and trees can provide shelter, nesting materials, food, seeds, berries, and pollen for many endangered species. It's worth considering. For example, instead of planting an ornamental shrub with no other use, why not look for one that provides shelter or food for wildlife in the winter? 

And, of course, it's worth mentioning the importance and value of creating community gardens...especially in food deserts, where they are most needed. Such a simple act can be so life-saving and empowering for those in need. Our local YMCA is right on a main street of our city, and they turned their lawn into a free food forest for the community. So cool! That is something that so many places could do. 

It truly is a delicately balanced tightrope we walk at this time. We are starting to recover from the pandemic, but things aren't normal. And, water, air and soil quality are major issues, along with so many other deeply pressing issues. It's overwhelming. But, I have found that if I focus on doing things I'm good at, and doing the things I love, that I have more life in me to deal with everything. I'm taking it one day at a time. 

One day at a time, because it has been a rough 1.5 years. One day at a time, because then I can focus on the here and now...and that is the most effective and realistic place to operate from. 

Gardening isn't easy, but it is good for me, in many ways. It's good exercise, good meditation, and a good source for food (if I am successful, and if the squirrel(s) can be stopped). It's hard to stay mad at the squirrel. I am annoyed, but I'm not going to hold a grudge. It's a waste of energy. Plus, we saw the two squirrels in the yard the other morning, and they are young. Jeff said, "They're just kids, aren't they?" As one sat to eat the pumpkin seeds we put out. 

Very little in life seems to go as planned. And sometimes, things go very differently than planned, and also better than planned. I'm all for pleasant surprises at this point. That would quite nice!

Well, thanks for taking the time to stop by.

Until next time, take good care of you!

all my best,

Chandra

(C. S. Sherin)

On Parenting Consciously: Avoid The Big Mistakes And Create A Healthy, Proactive Foundation

Are There Real Do's and Don'ts To Raising Children? 

Absolutely. Find out more....

Photo by Sue Zeng on Unsplash

 

 

 C.S. Sherin, updated March 2023 

I will preface this by saying that, while this article is geared toward new or expecting parents, the information here can also be adapted to suit teachers, caregivers, coaches, relatives, and others who spend most days of their life influencing babies, children, adolescents, and young adults. Something else important to consider…it is also possible to apply the advice of this article as helpful information for one's own "inner" child.

Oh my goodness, it is true...

Becoming a parent requires no license, education, or training. There are no set standards for becoming a parent either. There are no requirements. 

New parents aren’t required to understand and remember the critical stages of development, healthy vs. unhealthy relationships, budgeting, education, the diverse array of ways people best learn, psychology, genetics, stress reduction, diet, or even healthy stress management. 

That is the gift and challenge of being free and independent. Most new parents wish to do their very best for their offspring. So, it is wise then, to take in interest in those non-required knowledge bases, so as to fulfill your own potential as a parent. So many of us wish we had known more. So many of us, even having done a decent job, wish we had had more information and insight, once the children are grown.

So, nothing is technically required of a new parent, yet being a parent is one of the biggest responsibilities a person can take on in life. A parent (or guardian or caretaker) is in charge of the well being, development, safety, and growth of another human being, who will one day become an independent and integrated part of our world.

A child is a gift in a parent’s life. Right? Well, only if a gift can be an enormous, decades long responsibility, and not at all something to possess. 

Mini-lesson number one: People/children are not possessions, gifts, or rewards in the strictest senses of those words.

And, being a parent is a sacred role that shouldn’t be taken lightly. 

Every child is a unique and important arrival in this world, with the potential to help create a better world in time. Babies and children simply need good parenting (and a healthy community, education, healthcare, and environment) to get them started.

Mini-lesson number two: Yes, it is true, being a parent may gift you with many new and important insights, growth, a feeling of blessings related to the child, and greater levels of fulfillment and unconditional love…BUT your child is their own person, meant to become healthfully independent of you as they grow up. If you are lucky, you will maintain a loving and healthy relationship with them all your days in life, even, or even especially when they are independent adults.

For people who become parents, the journey can be: harrowing, terrifying, exhausting, extraordinary, beautiful, fun, growth-inducing, profound, and fulfilling. Yes, it can be any and all of those…and more.

Mini-lesson number three: It is important to remember that some parents have children with personalities who are compatible with their own…and others don’t. A parent may have a child whose personality is so different and opposed to their own, that their parenting has the potential to become a heart-wrenching battlefield of misunderstandings and tension. Through no one's fault, the ability to understand and communicate in the way your child most needs, may not be in your wheel house. You may have to stretch out of your own comfort zone to meet your child's communication needs and style of being. You may need help in doing so. 

Some parents have children who are adaptable, peaceful, and well adjusted…others don’t. Some parents have children who present many challenges, through the fault of no one at all. And vice versa…through no fault of their own, children find themselves in the family dynamics they are born into, whatever they may be...complicated, painful, unhealthy or wonderful, or a mix of many things.

Even with the most graceful, happy, and peaceful parent-child relationships, there can still be heartbreaks, challenges, scares, and frustrations that come with life and living in these times.

Mini-lesson number four: So many children face the stresses of overt and hidden discrimination(s) and dangers (such as: race, gender, orientation and identity, weight/shape/size, ability or disability, appearance, communication abilities, mental health, religion or no religion, class/status, immigrant, fluency; and hate and bullying). These difficult realities can contribute incredible stress to a parent’s life and ways of parenting, just as it can cause all sorts of stress and emerging coping mechanisms within children and adolescents (and young adults). The first step is to be aware of this. The second is to educate yourself and ask for help. The third is to understand what your child needs to cope in healthy ways.

In life, our best plans are at the mercy of many things that are out of our control. So it is with parenting…

Some of us grew up, the entire time, not really sure of what healthy relationships are. As a parent, we can use that experience as a deep, loving motivation to create a new pattern of health and fulfillment for the family we create on our own. But, it can also be a pretty messy journey...working on our own healing journey all the while trying to do our best as parents. There is a lot to juggle, deal with, learn and know! There is no way to make it through without making mistakes. There is no perfection in this. You do justice to your child by continuing to learn, grow, and make an effort for them.

There are many ways that parenting can be fraught with serious mistakes and misunderstandings — some of which can be avoided. That is the purpose of this article. To give an overview and a boost up, as you learn by doing.

How to begin? 

Observe yourself! Look at your own thoughts, habits, and expectation. Understand how they may be helpful, destructive or neutral for a baby, child, or adolescent. Also ask yourself what thoughts and values about parenthood you have inherited from others. Are they helpful and supportive thoughts and values? Are they based on fostering healthy, happy, developing human beings?  

If you have inherited negative or overly fearful, dominating, controlling, needy, or self-focused attitudes towards children and parenthood...now is the time to look at that and throw the dead weight out of your life! It's never too late to begin.

If you have or had toxic and/or emotionally immature parents, then you most likely have to face a lot of difficult things. Yes, you may have more to overcome, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. Focus on the love, healing, and healthy future you wish to create. Start now. 

It's true. All people, as they age, will begin to unconsciously emulate some of the behaviors of their parents (or other family members) without thinking. It can be distressing or embarrassing, even for those who've had happy, loving relationships with their parents.

The good news is, the more we dedicate ourselves to being conscious of our selves and our ways of parenting, the more we will be able to throw out the unhealthy patterns. The sooner we begin doing this, the better off we’ll be when we are in the middle of high stress while dealing with a demanding infant(s), toddler(s), and/or teenager(s).

Photo by Mendy Revanus on Unsplash

There are many things I wish I had known as a parent, from the beginning. Sure, all of us have to learn the hard way for a lot of things. That’s just how life is, with so many unique individuals and situations, along with generational issues and setbacks. But, we can still start off and go forward a little more informed and more prepared!

I remember taking our daughter home from the hospital, nearly 21 years ago, bewildered that there were no instructions or requirements for how we should proceed. (This coming from a person who has always been comfortable and pretty good at caring for children, and proactive about research and learning.)

Now, with an empty nest, and as witness to many clients and friends throughout the decades, realizing their mistakes and misunderstandings about and with their children and others'…I am glad to pass along some of the most important and hard-earned realizations and wisdom that have emerged from all of that.

I do encourage you to hold these lessons close to your mind, heart, and spirit; throughout all your years of being a parent (or guardian, caretaker, teacher, coach, or counselor) to those who depend on you to be healthy, stable, helpful, ethical, kind, and strong. 

Another thing to keep in mind: you will make mistakes, you will miss signs and calls for help sometimes. You will realize it in hindsight. The best you can do is to take accountability when it is possible. Learn the lessons, and keep on doing your best. Keep on learning and growing. Keep in mind that mistakes are often how we learn.

SOME BIG DON’TS OF PARENTING:

1. YOU DON’T OWN YOUR CHILD(REN). Your child doesn’t exist to fulfill your needs. They aren’t here to make you look good, to comfort you, or to fulfill your long-lost dreams. They aren’t here as your property to exploit, use, or depend upon. Your child(ren) aren’t here to build up your self-esteem. Nor are they here to support you!  You have one job: raise your child(ren) in the healthiest ways that you possibly can, within your means. Meet your own needs. Let them grow up with self-esteem and a sense of healthy boundaries and self. Allow them to be and become who they are. Try to understand them, even if they are very different from you. Your child depends on you to meet their needs; never the other way around. People who think they own their children are standing on toxic ground that can cause harmful after-effects that may haunt the child all their life. Even if you feel that you do not do this, it is important for you to know that this does happen, and how to recognize it. This happens too often. And the scars from it are invisible to most people. Learn more: narcissistic abuse, covert narcissism, emotional incest, Emotionally Immmature Parenting, Emotionally Neglected children, and parentification of children.
   
   
2. YOUR CHILD DOESN’T OWE YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS ANYTHING. This includes unwanted hugs, kisses, performances, or smiles. Especially when children are young, they must not be expected to perform for anyone if they are clearly uncomfortable with it (e.g., having a child do something on command, perhaps as entertainment or for social interest, without regard for age appropriateness, situation, and their wants, needs, and feelings). Forcing unnatural levels of openness or intimacy with others can be dangerous to your child’s safety, sense of safety, and to their concept of healthy boundaries and self. For example, if a family member or friend gives your child a gift, depending on their age, you will want to show gratitude and (perhaps) give thank you notes for them. Later, when they are old enough, you can teach them how to send thank you notes (or a modern day equivalent) — how to show gratitude — without ever feeling obligated to engage in any inappropriate (or abusive) obligations, guilt, or intimacy. It is your job to protect your child. This means that you may have to kindly and firmly stand up for your child’s right to not be hugged, kissed, or made to feel somehow obligated to “pay back” a kindness or gift.
   
   
3. YOUR CHILD DOESN’T OWE YOU ANYTHING. No matter their age, this remains true. It is your job to shelter, clothe, nurture, teach, guide, and provide for all of your child’s needs…from age zero to 18, at least. You are responsible for your child’s health, well-being, and needs. Period. They don’t owe you because you do or did your job. And that goes for gratitude, respect, and kindness as well. It is your job to model and teach your child what gratitude, respect, kindness, patience, forgiveness, and compassion look like and are. A child will most always err on the side of forgiveness and loyalty to their parents, even despite abuse. Your child doesn’t owe you. You have a job to do, and the payment you receive is in the form of love and fulfillment for a job well done. You signed up for it. It is your responsibility. Follow through, and don’t ever hold your child prisoner to any misplaced and unfair need you may have to be rewarded or paid for a non-paying job. You invest in your child’s well-being. You invest in empowerment and love for your child. But, the payback on that investment is purely cosmic and based in love, growth, and fulfillment. The payback could be seeing your child grow up to be a healthy, empowered, independent, well-adjusted human being. Yet, this is not a guaranteed outcome! It isn't guaranteed, even for good parenting. The deep, sacred paybacks are non-material, based in love and service, and don’t align with a capitalistic and status-centered social economy. Yet, good parenting matters, and can help to make the world a better place!
   
   
4. MEETING YOUR CHILD’S BASIC NEEDS IS LITERALLY THE LEAST YOU CAN DO. Providing food, shelter, clothes, and safety for your child are the bare minimum. Don’t stop there. Children also need a good balance of privacy, activity/exercise, rest, play, work, together time, alone time, fresh air, and a healthy balanced diet. Children have emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual needs that go well beyond the bare minimum. Children also need to be given enough guidance, love, acceptance, and safety to be able to navigate the rough waters of this world. Children need to have a safe place to share their feelings and mistakes without being judged. Children need to have parents they can talk to, confide in, and receive healthy guidance from. They also need to be free to talk to and confide in trusted, appropriate others without parental interference or jealousy. Children need activities and practical tools that help them to cope with emotions, stress, conflict, impulses, and so much more. If you are financially challenged/stressed, or struggle with mental illness, that doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to seek assistance and do more for your child. Ask for and find help and support when you need it. And find support and help for your child(ren). Don't give up. Keep at it.
   
   
5. DON’T LET YOUR CHILD GROW UP WITHOUT LIMITS, STRUCTURE, RESPONSIBILITIES…and don’t enforce too many of these either. Children need structure, healthy boundaries, and a sense of their own limits. Children also benefit from having responsibilities as they grow up. No need to go overboard, but it is essential to your child’s sense of safety and morality to provide limits, rules, fair consequences, and a fair amount of routine and structure for their daily lives. When children have no consequences for breaking rules, healthy boundaries, or safe limits — they won’t easily learn how to regulate their behaviors/feelings, or develop a deep sense of compassion and self-esteem or compassion about right and wrong. It is a common mistake to think that you want to be a cool parent and allow your child to set their own limits, time, and boundaries. Being too permissive and lax can instill confusion, lack of motivation and organization, and a skewed or low sense of responsibility and self-esteem. Still, every child is different. Some are naturally more independent and organized, others are not. Another common mistake parents make is to take the need for discipline and structure too far…giving your child way too many limits, responsibilities, activities, and structure in daily life. Each child is different and has different needs and ways of learning. Yet every child needs balance. It’s important to tailor structure and limits for each child, while also maintaining a basic fairness for everyone. Find a happy medium (don’t go to extremes with this), and find ways to best meet your child’s unique needs. Not sure what that happy medium is? Here is a great guide to help you.
   
   
6. DON’T EVER MAKE CONSEQUENCES AND DISCIPLINING OF YOUR CHILD(ren) SCARY, CONFUSING, UNFAIR, OR HARSH. Depending on the age of your child, consequences for mistakes or wrong behavior vary greatly. (And, of course, a baby must never be disciplined at all!) The big thing to keep in mind is that intimidation, verbal or physical roughness (abuse), and unfair consequences are never okay for a parent to carry out. Finding healthy ways to teach a child about discipline, limits, and consequences is essential to growth and learning. The most important thing to remember is that teaching and enforcing discipline and consequences for behavior need to be communicated in ways that are calm, patient, fair, age appropriate, and logical. The words you say matter. Verbal abuse is just as harmful as other forms abuse. Learn more about healthy ways to teach your child lessons of safety, boundaries, and limits here.  Learn about the negative effects of verbal abuse here.
   
   
7. DON’T FORCE YOUR CHILD TO BE SOMEONE THEY AREN’T. If you are more extroverted and your child(ren) are more introverted (or vice versa), don’t force them to be like you, and don't judge or shame them for being different. Accept the differences between you and your child. You may have different needs, strengths, weaknesses, ways of thinking, perspective, tastes, and sense of meaning in life. That is okay. You don’t need to have a mini-you. You need to learn about your child’s unique needs, and meet them where they are, best you can. However, that doesn’t mean that you should sacrifice your own needs. Try to find compromise and creative solutions to your inherent differences regarding taste, style, needs, and approaches to life. Also, you may want to consider using in-depth astrology, official psychological personality tests, and/or the in-depth enneagram to understand your differences. (Please note: these are potentially helpful symbolic tools that can help make space for new insights and understanding. They are never meant to be misused as ways to pigeon hole, manipulate, and judge others.) You will find that in seeking understanding, you can eliminate a lot of misunderstandings and tension.
   
   
8. DON’T FORGET THAT YOU ARE PART OF A COMMUNITY. Whether you are political, social, religious or non…it doesn’t matter. You live somewhere, and where you live, you are a part of a community. This community is made up of people, homes, neighborhoods, nature, wildlife, resources, and shared public places. How you treat your child(ren), live, and behave in and around your home and neighborhood has an effect on everyone around you. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overly concerned about what people think of you or your kids. And it doesn’t mean that you must follow all the superficial norms of a dysfunctional society. What it does mean is that you are present within an ecosystem of people, homes, and nature…and your presence, actions, habits, and absence of actions matter. If you allow your children to disrespect your neighbor’s property, or if you scream and yell too much — all the rage you have pent up — in an unhealthy way…well, that affects your family, neighbors and neighborhood. Likewise, when you choose unsafe activities, those unsafe activities endanger your children and your community. Alternatively, if you feel all alone, please know that you aren’t. Your presence and your child’s presence matter and have an effect within the environment. You may be doing your best as a parent and person, and you have a positive effect upon your community  simply through your being present— whether it’s ever recognized as such or not. It’s important to realize that we belong…simply by being. Sometimes knowing that helps to give a person perspective and motivation to create a better place; and to be aware of their potential impact within their communities.
   
   
9. DON’T GET YOUR KIDS HOOKED ON A DIET FILLED WITH LOTS OF HIGHLY PROCESSED FOODS & DRINKS, REFINED SWEETENERS, DYES, CAFFEINE, AND HIGHLY REFINED FLOURS. There are so many mental health and physical health problems and concerns linked to a poor diet. In addition, many of these high sugar, highly processed foods are addictive, and also contribute to health problems and sometimes persistent weight gain. One great way to move away from this is to garden with your kids. Whether it’s container gardens, a community garden, or a plot of land…it doesn’t matter. Just be sure to grow vegetables and fruits that you will enjoy. Another option is to go to a Farmer’s Market with your kids. Then, explore simple recipes that are fast for you and easy to teach your kids. Teach your kids about all the problems linked to unhealthy sorts of foods and drinks, so that they know the danger. (Never shame your kids about food, though. And don’t scare or threaten them about it.) Otherwise, without understanding, kids will look at those products as harmless and fun, and will underestimate the long-term problems that can arise from indulging. Starting better habits early on can help your child immensely later in life.
   
   
10. DON’T STAY WITH GROUPS, COACHES, TEACHERS, DOCTORS, DENTISTS, SCHOOLS, OR CHURCH LEADERS/MEMBERS WHO DISRESPECT OR ABUSE YOU OR YOUR CHILD(REN). It can be a complicated thing...if you have heroes, sentimental memories, long-term bonds, and the like. You may have been brought up to never question authority, and to offer up blind respect (even adoration/hero worship) to those in positions of authority, traditional roles, and spots of power. Sometimes, you have a deep and trusted relationship with the group or person. Despite any deep ties, it is essential for your child’s (and your) well-being that you stand up to authority figures who disrespect or abuse you, your child, or others around you. It doesn’t matter how much respect they earned, authority they have, or time they have put in. No matter what, I guarantee that you can find a healthier, better group, person, or community. Whatever it is, it isn’t as good or as helpful as it seems, if they are harming you, your child, or other people. Even if your parents would be devastated if you left, leave. And don’t look back. Except to take legal action, if necessary.

Now that we have looked at some of the definite pitfalls of parenting to avoid, let’s look at some of the positive, proactive ways a parent can nurture and encourage their child(ren)...

Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash

THE DO’S OF PARENTING

1. DO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF AND MEET YOUR OWN NEEDS. You won’t be able to meet the needs of a child or multiple children for decades if you aren’t able to meet your own needs as well. No one is able to maintain a perfect balance all the time. Balance and health are qualities we strive for on the daily. So, be patient and understanding with yourself. Find ways to make life work well for you, so that you can provide a stable and healthy life for your child(ren). This is really something that must be applied in heavier doses during high stress times! So, this may mean that you need to ask for help or get a support system in place for when you are stretched thin. That support system may change and look different at different times in your life. That’s okay. Your child depends on you to be healthy and stable. If you feel a little shaky in that department, you’ll need to get proactive and start strengthening those adult-ing and self-care muscles asap.
   
   
2. DO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO HANDLE EMOTIONS, HORMONES, PEER PRESSURE, AND STRESS. One of the best gifts you can give to your child is empowerment. One great way to be empowered is to know ahead of time, to be prepared. Practicing deep breathing, yoga, stretching, and time for meditative walks with your baby, from the beginning, establishes a pattern of utilizing healthy tools for coping with difficult emotions, stress, and (future) surges in hormones. Being prepared for emergencies can be as simple as having fire alarms, fire extinguishers, and a first aid kit. And, as your child begins to talk, you can begin to introduce feelings (without judgment), and show your child(ren) how to express their feelings constructively. The more that you can model for your child how you handle stress in positive ways, the better. Teaching your child about how to handle stress when they are young, will help them to handle bigger challenges as they grow older. And, it’s important to establish an open door for talking about challenges and dangers your child may face at school. Sometimes, you will need to check in on your child as well, and make sure there isn't something hidden they need to talk about. Also, talking to your child about the potential for increased stress; difficult, painful emotions, and less rational thoughts during puberty is important, and it needs to happen long before puberty hits. That doesn't mean they will remember what you tell them though. You may need to revisit important conversations each and every year! Some tweens and teenagers forget things easily, as they are changing and growing so much, and facing so many things at once. If you don’t know enough meditation and stress reducing techniques yourself, start learning about it and apply it in your own life first. If you build on lots of positive ways to deal with stress over the years, you will find that your child will be as prepared as they can be when they face peer pressure, the disturbing reality of emergency situations at their school, and in life in general.
   
   
3. DO ASK FOR HELP AND SUPPORT WHEN YOU NEED IT. There is no weakness in recognizing that you may need help in your personal life, help with your children, or help with your physical or mental health. Don’t let pride or fear stop you from reaching out for help when you need it, whether it be as simple as reaching out to a friend or family member, or as formal as finding a therapist, or treatment for an addiction. It is a strength to ask for help. It is brave to admit you can be stronger with a little help along the way. None of us are completely independent. A healthy human is a mix of independence and inter-dependence with others. You and your child(ren) will be much better off if you reach out for help and support when you really need it. Just don’t expect a cure-all or help that is always short and simple. Sometimes it takes time to heal, grow, recover, or find the right medication/therapist/support group/etc. Don’t give up. Keep going. Keep trying till you find something that works for you and your family and situation. Same goes for dealing with mental health issues that your child experiences. Get them the help they need. Don't assume that it will clear up on its own, or that it's just a phase. Err on the side of being pro-active and preventative. And don't give up on their needs either. Ask for help in dealing with it too. Everyone needs support sometimes. Help them to learn how to live and learn well!
   
   
4. DO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE. Just like we adults find mannerisms of our parents coming out in us later in life, so you can expect your child to absorb your actions and mannerisms at a deep level. You want a strong, kind, healthy, patient, compassionate, funny, well-adjusted kid? Start modeling that behavior for them. Your actions, emotions, and body language will teach so much more than the "perfect words" will. But wait! Please know that it isn’t realistic for you to be a perfect person…okay? You won’t be a perfect person or parent. That’s good. Give your child the most responsible, healthy, adult, parent version of the real you. That’s good, and enough. There will always be something that goes wrong. Just try your best. You are human, so strive to be a good example of a good human and you will do fine. Hint: even good humans have bad days/weeks, make mistakes, change, learn, change course, and get confused. Just keep your humor and keep in mind who you are and who you want to be, for you and your child.
   
   
5. DO BE ACCEPTING OF WHO YOUR CHILD IS AND WHO YOUR CHILD SAYS THEY ARE. It is extremely important that you respect your child’s self-proclaimed identity (once they are old enough to express it). It’s equally important that you accept and love who your child is, in each stage, phase, and way of being that they go through. Your child needs your unconditional love. Even if your child does something wrong, harmful, or dangerous…that shouldn’t change your foundational love for them. You may need to take actions and get help to legally and morally deal with their actions, but nine times out of ten, it shouldn’t alter your love for them. Likewise, a kid may go through questioning, exploring, and many changes in regards to their sexuality, sexual attractions, identity and orientation; and even gender identity. It is important that you show respect, acceptance, and love for who they are, no matter what. This also extends to showing love and acceptance for a child who doesn’t conform to your (or society’s) preferences and likes in life. Alternatively, if your child make space for and respect their true self and purpose, rather than your desires and preferences. If your child doesn’t care about fashion and appearances, but you really do, so what? If your male child is feminine, or your female child is masculine, or your child is non-binary…so what? Love them for who they are. Love them for the unique and courageous blessing they are in this world — not for how they may make life more comfortable or uncomfortable — for you (or others). And, if your child’s identity or sense of self somehow changes over time, accept that too. Show them all the patience, love, and acceptance they need. Be open to learning and growing too. Give them a refuge from the stormy aspects of life out in the human world. Let them know that there is no shame in being who they are, especially at home. If you are concerned about your child’s safety because of their differences or uniqueness, please reach out to support groups and other local and regional professionals who can guide you in supporting your child, while also helping you as you deal with your concerns and possible anxieties.
   
   
6. DO BELIEVE YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY TELL OR SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE. Whether it’s through body language or your child verbally telling you — they don’t like or want to be around a certain person…no matter who it is, please believe your child. You may want to ask some questions and investigate the situation further. That’s all well and good. But, whatever you do, never force a child to be close to or alone with someone they don’t feel safe with. You may think this is a no-brainer, but there are so many times when adults will mindlessly dismiss or minimize the concerns or complaints of their child. Sometimes the reason a parent may do this is because the person is trusted, family, or well-known by community, family…or is a coach, or close friend. Whomever it is, you will want to err on the side of caution! Sometimes the reason your child is uncomfortable is because they are: being groomed to be abused by a person; are being neglected or abused in some way; are treated poorly by the person when you aren’t around, or…they simply have a bad feeling about the person and don’t feel comfortable. Whatever it is, please don’t dismiss your child’s complaints or dislike for someone. Children often can see through facades that we adults aren’t as keen to see. It’s worth giving them the benefit of the doubt. With coaches, in particular, they often can take on a parental role with children, and they, like parents, may bring all their dysfunctions and erroneous and unconscious ideas of "ownership" along with them, and not so much the ethics, compassion, or humanizing qualities. It’s important to keep in mind that if your child wants to quit a sport or some other group, they may have very good reasons for doing so. Quitting isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes allowing a child to quit something provides them with the pattern of knowing that leaving something that is no longer healthy or fulfilling is also smart and responsible. That is as important a lesson as is persevering.
   
   
7. DO ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES…ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES AND BE ACCOUNTABLE. You don’t want to air your dirty laundry in front of your kids. You don’t want to burden them with raw levels of your emotional needs, worries, and/or fears. However — when you make a mistake that involves them, or that they witness — that is an important opportunity for you to model empathy, remorse, and genuine amends for them. Kids look up to their parents, or they want to. These kinds of moments are never easy, but it teaches your child that you are human, and that you recognize and are accountable for your mistakes. So, show them what accountability looks like. If you unintentionally mess up or hurt their feelings or embarrass them…let them know that you made a mistake, that you are sorry, and ask them if there is something you can do to correct the mistake or to improve things in the future. A sincere apology and changed behavior is healing for anyone and everyone. And, don’t just leave this for what you consider big things. Little things matter too! Little things add up. Show your child that being considerate is valuable and worthwhile. Only, please don’t teach your child to apologize all the time to everyone for everything. There’s a difference between being accountable and considerate, and being a doormat. Only apologize when it’s really warranted. Keep your and your child’s dignity intact.
   
   
8. DO TEACH YOUR CHILD(REN) ABOUT RESPECT…FOR THEMSELVES, THEIR BODIES — OTHER PEOPLE’S, THEIR POSSESSIONS — OTHER PEOPLE’S, AND FOR ANIMALS AND NATURE. To learn about respect, we must learn to develop empathy and have compassion for self and others in the face of harm, danger, theft, hate, jealousy, insecurity, fear, ignorance, and cruelty. If we wish to create a healthier, happier world, we start with these big issues on a small scale…with our children. We teach them to respect their bodies and their right to not be touched or harmed by others. We teach them to respect their belongings and why that is important. We teach them to recognize that not every person is treated fairly or has all the necessities or the help that they need. We teach them that some disabilities are invisible. We teach them kindness and about healthy forms of helping and service. This respect and kindness needs to eventually extend to every person, plant, animal, and resource that they interact with, on some level. It is a big, ongoing, essential lesson. We don’t have to traumatize our children to teach them respect in all of these ways. We simply take teachable moments to inform them; and then each day, we guide and instruct them about the importance of self-love and acceptance, healthy boundaries, and respect. Your example is powerful. Be mindful of your actions. It starts small, but those first small lessons have huge returns over time. Don’t give up. Keep affirming and holding the intention for these important values to grow and be claimed.
   
   
9. DO FIND A BALANCE…AND ACCEPT THAT BALANCE ISN’T PERPETUAL. You found a balance in your life. Yes, strive to keep it going! But then…you had a lot of setbacks. You made a lot of mistakes. Unexpected things happened. And kept happening. I can assure you, it is never too late to start again. The balance you had isn’t ruined. It will emerge again. There is no such thing as perpetual balance anyway. And in the case of parents, there is no such thing as perpetual juggling. Things will get messy and will fall out of balance. The key is to realize that balance is something that has to be tended and maintained regularly…like weeding gardens, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, and the other mundane tasks of our lives. Don’t be too hard on yourself and others when things become chaotic or feel out of control. Simply pull out your practical, yet somewhat magical, box, bag, or shelf of tools for coping, and ease back into balance over a reasonable amount of time. Give yourself time to process and readjust. Forget about the desire to appear perfect, poised, or social media ready. Please. Your child(ren), and the world for that matter, will be better off if we keep it real. That doesn’t mean you should drop your mental filter and let all your uglies out. It just means, don’t get sucked into artificial and deceiving appearances or concepts. Don’t get sucked into the mythologically “perfect." We all fall out of sync at times. We aren’t machines, and we don’t want to be machines. Have some compassion, realism, and humor for the messy beauty that is family life…with all its twists and turns and sometimes, chaos. It is a sacred and often messy journey, and it goes fast.
   
   
10. DO FIND WAYS TO BRING JOY, HEALTH, AND EMPOWERMENT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD(REN). It’s so important to instill a wellspring of respect in your child for both creativity/intuition and critical thinking/scientific logic. Letting one dominate the other can squelch out some life-saving skills on either side. We need our intuition and creativity to navigate through life and hardships with knowing, skillful improvisation, inventiveness, intuition, and beauty. We need critical thinking and scientific reasoning to maintain a healthy relationship within our minds, communities, world, and reality in general. Teach and show your child the value of breath work, meditation, following gut feelings, art, music, gardening…and also the value of investigating, researching, measuring, questioning, and verifying facts about life, systems, and reality. Please do, instill within the pattern of your lives a desire for wonder, joy, health, and balance. Encourage your child(ren) to believe in themselves, and to be brave enough to contribute their own unique gifts into the equation of life.

 *exported from my old Medium account

A Story From The Weekend: "Opossum Isn't Playing!"

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

 

15 April 2021
C.S. Sherin

Let's set aside all the problems of the world for a moment. 

It is important to take breaks. And, of course, they will all still be there as we go about our days. There is only so much we can do and process in each day. So, allow me to detail a story of the unexpected events that unfolded at my house last weekend. 

Well, we had a stint of warm weather a while back, and we became aware of a smell of something that had died, somewhere near our side door porch. We are also dealing with a troupe of pigeons who have found shelter in the winter under our carport, which covers our small side porch. We are trying to get them to move out, but the cold snap slowed us down, and also left us less motivated to find the dead animal. 

But, then, the smell amped up, even in the cooler weather. That was when I knew we shouldn't avoid it for much longer. It was this past Friday. I decided to investigate the smell. I looked and looked under our porch and couldn't see anything and didn't smell anything. That was surprising. Yet, I could smell it above the porch near the door. I couldn't figure it out. 

I did a load of laundry. When I got the load out of the dryer, I could smell the bad smell, and realized an animal could have died in the dryer vent, as it comes out right by the side door. I went out to the vent and smelled the smell there quite clearly.

After talking to my spouse, Jeff, about it, we decided to take the dryer vent off and investigate on Saturday morning. I am glad we rested on Friday night.

The washer-dryer is one unit in a tight space of a closet. We slowly wedged it out enough to squeeze behind it. I'm not embarrassed to admit, we were pretty scared of what we would find. I guess I was thinking a mouse or small bird. To our amazement, once we got the venting tube removed, it was clean and smelled fine, with nothing in it. 

So, we went back to the porch, and the smell was terribly strong. It was nauseating. We started to worry it could be a cat or something. But nothing was really easily visible. After a long time of cleaning up the debris from the pigeons, and leaves that had collected under the porch, Jeff used a flashlight and slid under the porch a bit to see more. Very far back, tucked and stuck between old cement steps under the porch and door was something, he couldn't see much. He did see part of some kind of animal, but not much. He could see blood from it on the cement. Something had been injured and went as far back as possible, and wedged in.

Well, we shined the flashlight through the slats of the wood over the top of the porch by the door. Jeff couldn't see it, but I glimpsed a large body, with hair like wildlife...a raccoon or opossum, it seemed. We really didn't know what to do. We had never encountered an issue like this. Granted, many squirrels, over the years, have chosen to die in our yard. And we bury them. We have joked about being a hospice for wildlife. But, we hadn't imagined how far that would go! This dead animal was unreachable, even with long brooms and rakes. 

I called animal control through our humane society. They don't handle dead wildlife. I called some pest control businesses. They don't handle dead wildlife either. I put a note on the NextDoor neighbor app. No one had any ideas. I talked to the neighbor, and she encouraged us to just get a plastic bag and get under there and get it. But, the thing is, neither of us could stomach the smell, we were kind of freaked out, and getting under the porch that far wasn't possible. Add to that: neither of us are super handy. We don't know how to build or deconstruct porches.

Anyway, we were a mess, and struggling. From start to finish, the day was 3/4 over by the time we had dealt with the situation fully.

Finally, Jeff called his buddy from work, who kindly and quickly came over to help. They borrowed some tools from our kind neighbors, including a crow bar. They ended up having to pry boards up in order to find the body. It was a very large opossum, bigger than our biggest cat, who is a Maine Coon. Well, both of them nearly threw up from the smell. But, they did it. Opossums are not the prettiest animal, but they are beneficial, harmless beings. We were sad that this one had such a hard time. 

And, actually the benefits of opossums are worthwhile mentioning: 

Opossums are important protectors for us humans. They are major heroes, in that they are relentless in their hunting and killing of ticks, cockroaches, mice, and rats. And due to their need to get calcium in their diet, they will eat dead animals, like roadkill, down to the bone. Like vultures, they clean up what could otherwise become a source of disease. In the garden they will help gardeners by eating snails, slugs, and rotting fruit. 

As someone who dealt with undiagnosed/late diagnosed Lyme's disease at one time, I particularly appreciate the fact that one opossum will kill over 5,000 ticks in its lifetime! 

So, back to our porch. We are letting it air out, have sprayed it with water and sanitized, but the smell isn't quite gone yet. So, I think I will be sprinkling baking powder, and will see how that goes. 

Anyway, this whole saga led to an important discovery. 

In pulling out the washer-dryer, we found a seriously leaky pipe that we would have never known about. There was mold built up and the leak was quite subtle, despite it being serious and right near some electrical outlets.

So, this morning the plumber is here, fixing it all. It turned out to be an extensive job, too. It's funny how things happen sometimes. In thinking about it, I have to thank that opossum for choosing to die right at our door. If s/he hadn't, we could have had a much more serious problem, hidden from view.

While we haven't gotten the bill from the plumber yet, I am truly glad that we can get our plumbing fixed, and that this story is over.

After the fact, and before today, I had told my mother the story, and she thought it was hilarious. Well, to her credit, I didn't tell her about the plumbing problem, just about the opossum and our distress. She encouraged me to write it out as a story. 

After what we had been through I wasn't laughing so much, but was happy we could make her laugh so hard. Similarly, when we told the whole story to the neighbor she also laughed and thought that Jeff could write a song about he and his friend, Carl, and the possum.

That could be a fun song.

Well, I do know it is easier to laugh about problems once they are over. I am still not quite sure why that was so hilarious to hear. But, I do hope it made you laugh, or at least smile today. 

 And, yes...I know, I know. This is where you may insert your jokes about possums playing dead. But, really, this possum wasn't playin.

 

Until next time, take good care of you. 

All my best,

Chandra

(C. S. Sherin)